One of these guys grew up to be a professional baseball player. The other grew up (relatively speaking) to be a hobbit. I'll leave it up to you, the reader, to connect the dots.
-Jarvis O'Dell
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
SWITCHED AT BIRTH?
Jarvis here...
One of these guys grew up to be a professional baseball player. The other grew up (relatively speaking) to be a hobbit. I'll leave it up to you, the reader, to connect the dots.
-Jarvis O'Dell
One of these guys grew up to be a professional baseball player. The other grew up (relatively speaking) to be a hobbit. I'll leave it up to you, the reader, to connect the dots.
-Jarvis O'Dell
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
THE GREAT REMONSTRANCE: TTD Challenge #1
Jarvis here...
Not gonna lie, I've had my nose in a thesaurus for a good 10 minutes coming up with a name for this one. Definitely nailed it.
So here's a new feature I want to introduce: THE GREAT REMONSTRANCE will be a weekly/monthly/whenever-I-get-around-to-it contest for our loyal readers. Part challenge/part brain-teaser/part scavenger hunt. Understand? Neither do I. So here we go:
TTD Challenge #1: Somebody bring me a piece of Andy Martino's beard.
This clown's utter lack of professionalism is just mind-boggling. My mind really shouldn't be so boggled, right? He's been doing this since he handled his first pen(fifteen). He's got a press pass so he thinks he's more powerful than Jeebus. And the fact that Rubin, Puma & Klapisch, while clowns themselves, at least man up to their occasional bullshit, just makes Martino that much more of a joke. YOU'RE A SPORTSWRITER! WRITE ABOUT SPORTS! I spent 3+ hours watching the Mets/Astros last night, too. Don't tell me nothing happened. Blah blah blah? You fucking hack.
So what now...you hate your job? Miss the Phillies? Or are you just that much of a twerp that you know that your job is a joke & you're going to continue to treat it as such. Tell me this, Martino: what would you rather be doing? Do you like animals? Veterinarian. Do you like sweets? Hand out candy at a gay strip club. Find something you like because it really seems like you're wasting everyone's time.
Shit...this contest sort of turned into a rant there, didn't it? Well, here's the contest: SOMEBODY BRING ME A PIECE OF ANDY MARTINO'S BEARD. I don't care how you get it, I don't want to know or be involved. Snip a piece off while he naps during games (he's got to, right?). Tell him you're making a voodoo doll. Whatever works. Just SOMEBODY BRING ME A PIECE OF ANDY MARTINO'S BEARD.
Winner gets an autographed The Toy Dept poster signed by both myself & Trip. Shit, we gotta make some posters.
NOTE: If you can't successfully procure a piece of Martino's beard for us, we will also accept a piece of Bob Raissman's moustache or Ken Rosenthal's bowtie.
-JARVIS O'DELL
Not gonna lie, I've had my nose in a thesaurus for a good 10 minutes coming up with a name for this one. Definitely nailed it.
So here's a new feature I want to introduce: THE GREAT REMONSTRANCE will be a weekly/monthly/whenever-I-get-around-to-it contest for our loyal readers. Part challenge/part brain-teaser/part scavenger hunt. Understand? Neither do I. So here we go:
TTD Challenge #1: Somebody bring me a piece of Andy Martino's beard.
This clown's utter lack of professionalism is just mind-boggling. My mind really shouldn't be so boggled, right? He's been doing this since he handled his first pen(fifteen). He's got a press pass so he thinks he's more powerful than Jeebus. And the fact that Rubin, Puma & Klapisch, while clowns themselves, at least man up to their occasional bullshit, just makes Martino that much more of a joke. YOU'RE A SPORTSWRITER! WRITE ABOUT SPORTS! I spent 3+ hours watching the Mets/Astros last night, too. Don't tell me nothing happened. Blah blah blah? You fucking hack.
So what now...you hate your job? Miss the Phillies? Or are you just that much of a twerp that you know that your job is a joke & you're going to continue to treat it as such. Tell me this, Martino: what would you rather be doing? Do you like animals? Veterinarian. Do you like sweets? Hand out candy at a gay strip club. Find something you like because it really seems like you're wasting everyone's time.
Shit...this contest sort of turned into a rant there, didn't it? Well, here's the contest: SOMEBODY BRING ME A PIECE OF ANDY MARTINO'S BEARD. I don't care how you get it, I don't want to know or be involved. Snip a piece off while he naps during games (he's got to, right?). Tell him you're making a voodoo doll. Whatever works. Just SOMEBODY BRING ME A PIECE OF ANDY MARTINO'S BEARD.
Winner gets an autographed The Toy Dept poster signed by both myself & Trip. Shit, we gotta make some posters.
NOTE: If you can't successfully procure a piece of Martino's beard for us, we will also accept a piece of Bob Raissman's moustache or Ken Rosenthal's bowtie.
-JARVIS O'DELL
Morning Sickness 4/20/11
A journalist actually wrote this today:
If this isn't the laziest piece of shit-writing I have ever seen... We get it Andy, the Mets are playing bad baseball, if you're bored or just too lazy to cover it, seek new employment.
PLEASE seek new employment.
"Blah blah blah blah rain blah blah blah Niese blah blah Astros blah blah Mets got spanked. Blah blah, 6-1. We really don't know what else to tell you about this one. But we will try:
It was cold and wet at Citi Field, and the Mets flatlined for one minute shy of three hours against one of the worst teams in baseball. Actually, now the Mets (5-12) are worse than Houston - and the rest of the National League - as they slipped below the Astros (6-11). Could there be a less stimulating April ballgame than the one between these sorry opponents? The only appropriate word is blah."
-Andy Martino
Daily News
If this isn't the laziest piece of shit-writing I have ever seen... We get it Andy, the Mets are playing bad baseball, if you're bored or just too lazy to cover it, seek new employment.
PLEASE seek new employment.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Morning Sickness 4/11/11
Today, in the tabloid known as the New York Post, Kevin Kernan writes about the inefficiencies of the Mets' bullpen thus far. Where the column expresses frustrations to which most Met fans can relate, the lead is written in such dramatic hyperbole, it destroys the integrity of the rest of the article:
"Ollie Perez couldn't have done worse."
I bet he could have... and probably would have, shit-breath. The Mets bullpen has not by any means been stellar, but suggesting that it would have been better to keep that poison on the roster (after questioning why Sandy Alderson kept him around in the spring for so long) is flat out stupid!
-Trip McFeely
"Ollie Perez couldn't have done worse."
I bet he could have... and probably would have, shit-breath. The Mets bullpen has not by any means been stellar, but suggesting that it would have been better to keep that poison on the roster (after questioning why Sandy Alderson kept him around in the spring for so long) is flat out stupid!
-Trip McFeely
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Dave D'Alessandro: Professional Clown
The New York Metropolitans have played 7 games this year to a record of 3 - 4. And with 155 games left to play in what is a very long baseball season, the Star-Ledger's
Never mind that he’s a mere stopgap. It hardly matters that everyone knows Sandy Alderson is basically using Collins to (cliché alert) change the culture for a few years before he can put the team in a position to moneyball its way back into your heart."
Does "everyone" know? Really? and Who exactly is "everyone"? That's such playground talk. 'Everyone knows you eat your boogers.' Get the hell out of here. I'll tell you what I know, if the Mets play good baseball, and continue to show they can battle, as they have a few times in this young season, Collins will be fine.
"...Mets fans are a sensible, albeit pessimistic, bunch."
That's fair, and shouldn't we be?
"...Nobody seriously expects Johan Santana to ever pitch again."
Uh, who said that? Ever again? I mean I am skeptical by his All-Star Break Goal, but this is a new regime hasn't given me a reason not to trust them yet. You need to stop reading Steve Popper's bullshit columns.
"...Nobody expects Jose Reyes and Francisco Rodriguez to finish the season here. "
No, K-Rod is one thing (we want him gone), but you and your snobby columnist friends don't expect Jose to be here, I mean when did Sandy put Jose on the block? Did I miss that? I'll admit that I'm scared that it 'could' happen, but WE'RE SEVEN GAMES INTO THE SEASON!!!
"...Nobody expects this team to drift too far from the 70- to 79-win vicinity they occupied the last two years."
Uh, speak for yourself asswipe, I do. I believe this is a .500 team. I think they're better than the Fish and the Nats. And I know I am not alone with those thoughts.
"...Nobody expects them to do anything but uphold Collins’ mantra: 'This is a sport where failure is around the corner every day, almost."'
Jarvis here...
I had to add my 2 cents here because this clown is way too much for a Saturday morning. I just woke up, asshole, and THIS is how I start my day? But really, Dave...if you're going to take everything out of context, I'm just going to go ahead and do the same.
Quoth David D'Alessandro:
"We haven't a clue."
Truer words have never been written. Except in this blog post. By us here at The Toy Dept.
-Jarvis O'Dell
Never mind that he’s a mere stopgap. It hardly matters that everyone knows Sandy Alderson is basically using Collins to (cliché alert) change the culture for a few years before he can put the team in a position to moneyball its way back into your heart."
Does "everyone" know? Really? and Who exactly is "everyone"? That's such playground talk. 'Everyone knows you eat your boogers.' Get the hell out of here. I'll tell you what I know, if the Mets play good baseball, and continue to show they can battle, as they have a few times in this young season, Collins will be fine.
"...Mets fans are a sensible, albeit pessimistic, bunch."
That's fair, and shouldn't we be?
"...Nobody seriously expects Johan Santana to ever pitch again."
Uh, who said that? Ever again? I mean I am skeptical by his All-Star Break Goal, but this is a new regime hasn't given me a reason not to trust them yet. You need to stop reading Steve Popper's bullshit columns.
"...Nobody expects Jose Reyes and Francisco Rodriguez to finish the season here. "
No, K-Rod is one thing (we want him gone), but you and your snobby columnist friends don't expect Jose to be here, I mean when did Sandy put Jose on the block? Did I miss that? I'll admit that I'm scared that it 'could' happen, but WE'RE SEVEN GAMES INTO THE SEASON!!!
"...Nobody expects this team to drift too far from the 70- to 79-win vicinity they occupied the last two years."
Uh, speak for yourself asswipe, I do. I believe this is a .500 team. I think they're better than the Fish and the Nats. And I know I am not alone with those thoughts.
"...Nobody expects them to do anything but uphold Collins’ mantra: 'This is a sport where failure is around the corner every day, almost."'
Jarvis here...
I had to add my 2 cents here because this clown is way too much for a Saturday morning. I just woke up, asshole, and THIS is how I start my day? But really, Dave...if you're going to take everything out of context, I'm just going to go ahead and do the same.
Quoth David D'Alessandro:
"We haven't a clue."
Truer words have never been written. Except in this blog post. By us here at The Toy Dept.
-Jarvis O'Dell
Friday, April 8, 2011
Pay Attention Dipshit!
 |
| Jose Reyes Interview Ruined By a Douche |
So here's Kevin Burkhardt with Jose Reyes on SNY's Pre Game show, and look who has to get his big, shiny forehead in the shot. Hey Lennon, you know there's a live interview going on, dipshit?
-Trip McFeely
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
It's Amateur Hour. Ladies Drink Free.
Jarvis here...
Well, Trip went ahead and put us on the map yesterday, how about that? I'll have to remember that when his annual review comes around. Wait, am I the boss, or is he? Doesn't matter...
So I just wanted to remind everyone out there in the blogosphere that yes, The Toy Department is indeed Amateur Hour. We don't get paid for this. In fact, Trip & I both have day jobs. Trip drives the Staten Island Ferry & I teach guitar to asshole middle-schoolers for shit money & discounts on distortion pedals. Sure, I meet the available single mother every once and a while, but it ain't a glamorous life. We like baseball. We respect most professional athletes. And, obviously, we've got a big fucking problem with sports reporters. I believe I covered most of this in the Toy Department Manifesto.
Beat writers are going to continue to talk shit & we're going to continue to shit on them. Andy Martino blocked us on Twitter. He's a big wimp. David Lennon has a PO Box in Middle Earth. And Marty Noble loves chicken fingers. It isn't rocket science, it's sports reporting. I've met Luis Castillo. He's a good dude. He stinks, but he's a good dude.
And we're going to keep using profanity. Cock weasel.
-Jarvis O'Dell
Also, a few people queried about submissions. Go ahead and send them to toydepartment1@yahoo.com & we'll take a look and see if you're worthy enough for the high standards of our amateurish blog.
Well, Trip went ahead and put us on the map yesterday, how about that? I'll have to remember that when his annual review comes around. Wait, am I the boss, or is he? Doesn't matter...
So I just wanted to remind everyone out there in the blogosphere that yes, The Toy Department is indeed Amateur Hour. We don't get paid for this. In fact, Trip & I both have day jobs. Trip drives the Staten Island Ferry & I teach guitar to asshole middle-schoolers for shit money & discounts on distortion pedals. Sure, I meet the available single mother every once and a while, but it ain't a glamorous life. We like baseball. We respect most professional athletes. And, obviously, we've got a big fucking problem with sports reporters. I believe I covered most of this in the Toy Department Manifesto.
Beat writers are going to continue to talk shit & we're going to continue to shit on them. Andy Martino blocked us on Twitter. He's a big wimp. David Lennon has a PO Box in Middle Earth. And Marty Noble loves chicken fingers. It isn't rocket science, it's sports reporting. I've met Luis Castillo. He's a good dude. He stinks, but he's a good dude.
And we're going to keep using profanity. Cock weasel.
-Jarvis O'Dell
Also, a few people queried about submissions. Go ahead and send them to toydepartment1@yahoo.com & we'll take a look and see if you're worthy enough for the high standards of our amateurish blog.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Andy Martino is a Race-Baiting Coward
The Toy Department launched 12 days ago as a result of Jarvis and myself being absolutely fed up with the lack of professionalism, ethics, and class coming from the local beat writers. We were reading columns, tweets, and listening to talk radio that was frustrating us more and more everyday. The negativity hemorrhaging from the opinions of these third-rate hacks was sickening to local sports fans, like ourselves. And then this straw broke the camel's back.
This isn't by any means a new story, but I thought with the home opener approaching, it may be a relevant time to revisit the disreputable trash written by Andy Martino, as well as his other shortcomings.
In this column entitled "Castillo's Woes Run Skin Deep," Andy Martino does about as good a job writing an editorial filled with legitimate substance, as he does growing a beard. He starts off this abomination by citing Luis Castillo's 2009 statistics, or at least part of them. He mentions Castillo's .302 batting average, but fails to include his 40 RBI and his whopping 16 extra base hits. And what about his 2010 stats? Why would Martino mention them? They were God-awful, and clearly justified a barrage of boos from the Citi Field faithful.
But to what did Martino attribute the boos?... His .235 batting average in 2010? No... How about his 17 RBI? Nope... OK, I got it. what about the fact that this player was making over $6 mil and not even coming close to being worth his awful contract? Wrong again...
Andy Martino suggested that Luis Castillo was treated poorly by the fans, not due to the fact that he was significantly underachieving, but because Mets fans are racist.
That's right, the fans that embraced Pedro Martinez (Dominican, like Castillo) as the Metropolitan's savior... the crowd that loudly chants "Jose Jose-Jose-Jose..." in high praise of Jose Reyes (also Dominican), are a bunch of racists, according to Martino.
Martino referred to Castillo as "one of the toughest and most passionate Mets" and doesn't seem to understand how he could be so unpopular.
Toughest? Remember when he got hurt falling down the dugout steps, idiot? And I'll tell you why he's unpopular, other than consistently grounding into timely clutch double plays, and having as much defensive range as Marty Noble, Castillo will never be forgiven (or forgotten) for the most embarrassing play in Subway Series history! You know exactly what it is, I need not mention it ever again. That's why we booed him, you dope, no other reasons needed! As Met fans, when it comes to our players, the only colors we see are blue and orange.
Martino claimed in the Castillo situation, it's hard to ignore the race factor... Well, I claim it never would have been a factor, if Martino never dreamed it up and put it in writing!
This beat writer technique of making a story up with no evidence to support it needs to stop, and Martino is one of the biggest culprits.
He has recently blocked The Toy Department on Twitter. When asked why, he maturely responded with, "I block anything I want to, if the mood strikes. My twitter, my whims." And then he cried to his mommy for a fresh tissue and his binky. I guess he can't handle solid criticism. Which is surprising to me considering how easily he can dish it out.
You know the real reason Andy Martino took a shot at Met fans? Because he's a Philidelphia Phillies fan! That's right, that chess club geek has an agenda and is clearly not an objective journalist. He's so tired of his trashy brethren (appropriately) being classified as the worst fans in sports, his only line of defense is to try and bash us. Jerkoff!
-Trip McFeely
This isn't by any means a new story, but I thought with the home opener approaching, it may be a relevant time to revisit the disreputable trash written by Andy Martino, as well as his other shortcomings.
In this column entitled "Castillo's Woes Run Skin Deep," Andy Martino does about as good a job writing an editorial filled with legitimate substance, as he does growing a beard. He starts off this abomination by citing Luis Castillo's 2009 statistics, or at least part of them. He mentions Castillo's .302 batting average, but fails to include his 40 RBI and his whopping 16 extra base hits. And what about his 2010 stats? Why would Martino mention them? They were God-awful, and clearly justified a barrage of boos from the Citi Field faithful.
But to what did Martino attribute the boos?... His .235 batting average in 2010? No... How about his 17 RBI? Nope... OK, I got it. what about the fact that this player was making over $6 mil and not even coming close to being worth his awful contract? Wrong again...
Andy Martino suggested that Luis Castillo was treated poorly by the fans, not due to the fact that he was significantly underachieving, but because Mets fans are racist.
That's right, the fans that embraced Pedro Martinez (Dominican, like Castillo) as the Metropolitan's savior... the crowd that loudly chants "Jose Jose-Jose-Jose..." in high praise of Jose Reyes (also Dominican), are a bunch of racists, according to Martino.
Martino referred to Castillo as "one of the toughest and most passionate Mets" and doesn't seem to understand how he could be so unpopular.
Toughest? Remember when he got hurt falling down the dugout steps, idiot? And I'll tell you why he's unpopular, other than consistently grounding into timely clutch double plays, and having as much defensive range as Marty Noble, Castillo will never be forgiven (or forgotten) for the most embarrassing play in Subway Series history! You know exactly what it is, I need not mention it ever again. That's why we booed him, you dope, no other reasons needed! As Met fans, when it comes to our players, the only colors we see are blue and orange.
Martino claimed in the Castillo situation, it's hard to ignore the race factor... Well, I claim it never would have been a factor, if Martino never dreamed it up and put it in writing!
This beat writer technique of making a story up with no evidence to support it needs to stop, and Martino is one of the biggest culprits.
He has recently blocked The Toy Department on Twitter. When asked why, he maturely responded with, "I block anything I want to, if the mood strikes. My twitter, my whims." And then he cried to his mommy for a fresh tissue and his binky. I guess he can't handle solid criticism. Which is surprising to me considering how easily he can dish it out.
You know the real reason Andy Martino took a shot at Met fans? Because he's a Philidelphia Phillies fan! That's right, that chess club geek has an agenda and is clearly not an objective journalist. He's so tired of his trashy brethren (appropriately) being classified as the worst fans in sports, his only line of defense is to try and bash us. Jerkoff!
-Trip McFeely
Morning Sickness 4/4/11
Every morning, we have the pleasure of Adam Rubin posting his "Mets morning briefing." Which is essentially a collection of every other beat writers thoughts and stories that Rubes cleverly copies and pastes under his own by-line. Here is the lead he included in today's "morning briefing":
"It's an off-day between road series in Miami and Philadelphia. And I'm finally traveling home this morning to New York after reporting early to spring training on Super Bowl Sunday."
-Adam Rubin
ESPN New York
"Who gives a shit?"
-Trip McFeely
The Toy Department
Is he seriously fishing for sympathy? Written in "his" work? Nobody feels sorry for you pal!
"It's an off-day between road series in Miami and Philadelphia. And I'm finally traveling home this morning to New York after reporting early to spring training on Super Bowl Sunday."
-Adam Rubin
ESPN New York
"Who gives a shit?"
-Trip McFeely
The Toy Department
Is he seriously fishing for sympathy? Written in "his" work? Nobody feels sorry for you pal!
Friday, April 1, 2011
Beltrán To Start The Season on DL Batting Cleanup
It's here Met fans, Opening Day Night. But let's flash back for a second. I think I speak for everyone when I say "our beat writers are always right." Right? Who remembers a little over a week ago when our Twitter feed looked something like this:
...Boy, this guy can read people. I mean he should be a psychic... or a journalist.
...OK, so I'll say it. "It IS a leap." A huge leap, in fact. Way to dig for those facts, Ruby.
...Guess what, shit-smear, I don't want you to give your opinion EVER AGAIN! That's all you are: skeptical. And that's your goal as a Meat beater... uh... I mean, a Mets beat writer, to make Met fans skeptical and instill your pessimistic point of view upon all of us. If you really need your negative fill, take your big, shiny forehead and go cover the Bonds' steroids/Balco/testicles trial.
As a bit of poetic justice, according to every beat writer on Twitter, here's tonight's starting lineup (Take particular note to who's batting cleanup and playing right field):
6 Reyes
7 Harris
5 Wright
9 Beltrán
8 Pagan
3 Davis
4 Emaus
2 Thole
1 Pelfrey
Let's Go Mets!
Still waiting for someone to admit they were wrong,
-Trip McFeely
...Boy, this guy can read people. I mean he should be a psychic... or a journalist.
As a bit of poetic justice, according to every beat writer on Twitter, here's tonight's starting lineup (Take particular note to who's batting cleanup and playing right field):
6 Reyes
7 Harris
5 Wright
9 Beltrán
8 Pagan
3 Davis
4 Emaus
2 Thole
1 Pelfrey
Let's Go Mets!
Still waiting for someone to admit they were wrong,
-Trip McFeely
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