SWITCHED AT BIRTH?

Jarvis here...

One of these guys grew up to be a professional baseball player. The other grew up (relatively speaking) to be a hobbit. I'll leave it up to you, the reader, to connect the dots.

-Jarvis O'Dell

THE GREAT REMONSTRANCE: TTD Challenge #1

Jarvis here...

Not gonna lie, I've had my nose in a thesaurus for a good 10 minutes coming up with a name for this one. Definitely nailed it.

So here's a new feature I want to introduce: THE GREAT REMONSTRANCE will be a weekly/monthly/whenever-I-get-around-to-it contest for our loyal readers. Part challenge/part brain-teaser/part scavenger hunt. Understand? Neither do I. So here we go:

TTD Challenge #1: Somebody bring me a piece of Andy Martino's beard. 

This clown's utter lack of professionalism is just mind-boggling. My mind really shouldn't be so boggled, right? He's been doing this since he handled his first pen(fifteen). He's got a press pass so he thinks he's more powerful than Jeebus. And the fact that Rubin, Puma & Klapisch, while clowns themselves, at least man up to their occasional bullshit, just makes Martino that much more of a joke. YOU'RE A SPORTSWRITER! WRITE ABOUT SPORTS! I spent 3+ hours watching the Mets/Astros last night, too. Don't tell me nothing happened. Blah blah blah? You fucking hack.


So what now...you hate your job? Miss the Phillies? Or are you just that much of a twerp that you know that your job is a joke & you're going to continue to treat it as such. Tell me this, Martino: what would you rather be doing? Do you like animals? Veterinarian. Do you like sweets? Hand out candy at a gay strip club. Find something you like because it really seems like you're wasting everyone's time.

Shit...this contest sort of turned into a rant there, didn't it? Well, here's the contest: SOMEBODY BRING ME A PIECE OF ANDY MARTINO'S BEARD. I don't care how you get it, I don't want to know or be involved. Snip a piece off while he naps during games (he's got to, right?). Tell him you're making a voodoo doll. Whatever works. Just SOMEBODY BRING ME A PIECE OF ANDY MARTINO'S BEARD.

Winner gets an autographed The Toy Dept poster signed by both myself & Trip. Shit, we gotta make some posters.

NOTE: If you can't successfully procure a piece of Martino's beard for us, we will also accept a piece of Bob Raissman's moustache or Ken Rosenthal's bowtie. 


-JARVIS O'DELL

Morning Sickness 4/20/11

A journalist actually wrote this today:
   

"Blah blah blah blah rain blah blah blah Niese blah blah Astros blah blah Mets got spanked. Blah blah, 6-1. We really don't know what else to tell you about this one. But we will try:

It was cold and wet at Citi Field, and the Mets flatlined for one minute shy of three hours against one of the worst teams in baseball. Actually, now the Mets (5-12) are worse than Houston - and the rest of the National League - as they slipped below the Astros (6-11). Could there be a less stimulating April ballgame than the one between these sorry opponents? The only appropriate word is blah."

 -Andy Martino

Daily News

     If this isn't the laziest piece of shit-writing I have ever seen...  We get it Andy, the Mets are playing bad baseball, if you're bored or just too lazy to cover it, seek new employment.  
PLEASE seek new employment. 

-Trip McFeely

Morning Sickness 4/11/11

     Today, in the tabloid known as the New York Post, Kevin Kernan writes about the inefficiencies of the Mets' bullpen thus far.  Where the column expresses frustrations to which most Met fans can relate, the lead is written in such dramatic hyperbole, it destroys the integrity of the rest of the article:

"Ollie Perez couldn't have done worse."

I bet he could have... and probably would have, shit-breath.  The Mets bullpen has not by any means been stellar, but suggesting that it would have been better to keep that poison on the roster (after questioning why Sandy Alderson kept him around in the spring for so long) is flat out stupid!

-Trip McFeely

Dave D'Alessandro: Professional Clown

     The New York Metropolitans have played 7 games this year to a record of 3 - 4.  And with 155 games left to play in what is a very long baseball season,  the Star-Ledger's Dave D'Alessandro is already putting manager Terry Collins on the hot seat.

     We here at the Toy Department have been pretty clear about our feelings towards this type of irresponsible journalism, still it never ceases to amaze us how these pieces of trash continue to be printed.

     I'll be the first to admit to having some minor frustration.  I mean seriously, who likes losing?  But to imply that the first week of baseball will decide this team's fate, or number the days the manager has left is utterly ridiculous.  
     
     D'Alessandro writes in this delightful paragraph, "Never mind that he’s a mere stopgap. It hardly matters that everyone knows Sandy Alderson is basically using Collins to (cliché alert) change the culture for a few years before he can put the team in a position to moneyball its way back into your heart."
     Does "everyone" know? Really? and Who exactly is "everyone"?  That's such playground talk.  'Everyone knows you eat your boogers.'  Get the hell out of here.  I'll tell you what I know, if the Mets play good baseball, and continue to show they can battle, as they have a few times in this young season, Collins will be fine.

     D'Alessandro suggests that Collins' job won't be easy, due to all the negativity surrounding the team.  Negativity forced down our throats in columns like this, by writers like this.  Can we just please watch some baseball and try to enjoy it?

     The column continues on with quotes from Davey Johnson about his opinion on the organization's tribulations, and as much as I love Davey, and I mean no disrespect when I say this, but who cares?  I mean the 80's were a different time, Davey is with a different team, I doubt very much he has any relationship with Sandy Alderson that would give him a clue about what's going on behind closed doors.


Then there's our checklist.  Brought to us by David D'Alessandro (I can't stand typing this clown's name).  Clearly filled with the same point of view and opinions of the Mets fans, why not let him speak for us?...

"...Mets fans are a sensible, albeit pessimistic, bunch."
That's fair, and shouldn't we be?
"...Nobody seriously expects Johan Santana to ever pitch again."
Uh, who said that? Ever again?  I mean I am skeptical by his All-Star Break Goal, but this is a new regime hasn't given me a reason not to trust them yet.  You need to stop reading Steve Popper's bullshit columns.
"...Nobody expects Jose Reyes and Francisco Rodriguez to finish the season here. "
No, K-Rod is one thing (we want him gone), but you and your snobby columnist friends don't expect Jose to be here, I mean when did Sandy put Jose on the block? Did I miss that? I'll admit that I'm scared that it 'could' happen, but WE'RE SEVEN GAMES INTO THE SEASON!!!
"...Nobody expects this team to drift too far from the 70- to 79-win vicinity they occupied the last two years."
Uh, speak for yourself asswipe, I do.  I believe this is a .500 team.  I think they're better than the Fish and the Nats.  And I know I am not alone with those thoughts.
"...Nobody expects them to do anything but uphold Collins’ mantra: 'This is a sport where failure is around the corner every day, almost."'
Anything else you want to take out of context?  I booed K-Rod yesterday, does that make me racist?  Oh wait, wrong writer.

      D'Alessandro has a lot of nerve.  Merely a week into the season, he suggests that Terry Collins is already on the hot seat.  He compares his tiny body of work to Jerry Manuel's Met tenure.  And he attempts to create a rumor that has no business being attached to this team this early in the season.


-Trip McFeely


Jarvis here...

I had to add my 2 cents here because this clown is way too much for a Saturday morning. I just woke up, asshole, and THIS is how I start my day? But really, Dave...if you're going to take everything out of context, I'm just going to go ahead and do the same.

Quoth David D'Alessandro:

"We haven't a clue."

Truer words have never been written. Except in this blog post. By us here at The Toy Dept.

-Jarvis O'Dell

Pay Attention Dipshit!

Jose Reyes Interview Ruined By a Douche

     So here's Kevin Burkhardt with Jose Reyes on SNY's Pre Game show, and look who has to get his big, shiny forehead in the shot.  Hey Lennon, you know there's a live interview going on, dipshit?

-Trip McFeely

 

It's Amateur Hour. Ladies Drink Free.

Jarvis here...

Well, Trip went ahead and put us on the map yesterday, how about that? I'll have to remember that when his annual review comes around. Wait, am I the boss, or is he? Doesn't matter...

So I just wanted to remind everyone out there in the blogosphere that yes, The Toy Department is indeed Amateur Hour. We don't get paid for this. In fact, Trip & I both have day jobs. Trip drives the Staten Island Ferry & I teach guitar to asshole middle-schoolers for shit money & discounts on distortion pedals. Sure, I meet the available single mother every once and a while, but it ain't a glamorous life. We like baseball. We respect most professional athletes. And, obviously, we've got a big fucking problem with sports reporters.  I believe I covered most of this in the Toy Department Manifesto.

Beat writers are going to continue to talk shit & we're going to continue to shit on them. Andy Martino blocked us on Twitter. He's a big wimp. David Lennon has a PO Box in Middle Earth. And Marty Noble loves chicken fingers. It isn't rocket science, it's sports reporting. I've met Luis Castillo. He's a good dude. He stinks, but he's a good dude.

And we're going to keep using profanity. Cock weasel.

-Jarvis O'Dell

Also, a few people queried about submissions. Go ahead and send them to toydepartment1@yahoo.com & we'll take a look and see if you're worthy enough for the high standards of our amateurish blog.