Morning Sickness 5/31/11

     David Lennon can read minds.

     Or at least translate vague quotes into seemingly newsworthy information.

     In today's column, Lennon actually makes up... that's right... MAKES UP a quote from The Mets new minority owner David Einhorn.  Here it is:

"I can't make any such assurance," Einhorn said. "It will be what it will be, you know? It's not that people aren't going to try really hard to avoid that sort of a circumstance. But the future is uncertain and there's a wide range of possible outcomes of all sorts of things. That's true of life in general, and it's true in this circumstance as well."

As in, "Good luck, Freddy. We'll touch base again in 2014 so I know when to move my stuff into the big office."

-David Lennon

Newsday

     What?!?!

     How did Lennon get that information from such a general, bland, nothing-of-a-statement?  Einhorn said absolutely nothing in that quote and Lennon turned it into Fred Wilpon's walking papers.

"I guess it is what it is"


As in, "I still take bubble baths with my floating toys."

-Trip McFeely

Superstition Ain't The Way

     Yesterday, it was brought to our attention that the Post's Kevin Kernan, apart from resembling an inbred border terrier, is very superstitious.

     In Kernan's column, he smothers his readers with metaphors of failure, implying the Mets' season is already over (typical beat writer drivel). Then he goes on to suggest that the front office should be steadfast in attempting to trade Jose Reyes.  Why, you ask?  Well, Kernan believes the Mets adversity is credited to some supernatural power, and the Mets should get all they can for Reyes before the Citi Field soil opens up, and engulfs him.  That's right folks, Kernan sincerely believes the Mets are cursed.  Don't get me wrong, this Mets team has had some bad luck (i.e. Hanley Ramirez's shoulder block, turned double play from two nights ago), but does Kernan expect us to believe that some sort of demon possesses this team, causing their inability to be successful?  I, for one, don't buy it.  Actually, it may be the most idiotic Mets theory I've ever read... in the Post... by Kernan... in the past two days.

     Listen Kevin, all teams have injuries, so give it a rest.  Everybody has at least some small superstition (myself included) they subscribe to, but your theory is just plain stupid.  Could Reyes get hurt (as I ferociously knock on my head as a substitute for the wood that doesn't exist in my office)?  Sure.  But it wouldn't be a result of some agitation in the underworld.  So take your rabbit's foot, broken mirror, black cat, spilled salt and shove them up your tuckus.

     As for this quote:

"The Mets say Wright will be right in two weeks, but when has a Mets’ injury ever met the best-case scenario?"

     What about Beltran this year? All you beat writer clowns had him sidelined for the start of the season, despite encouraging reports from Terry Collins and Sandy Alderson.  Who lived up to that best-case scenario?

     And could someone please give me a substantial Reyes trade report?  I am not saying he won't be traded, but not one report written by any of these idiots has a credible source.

-Trip McFeely

I Had A Dream Last Night...

     I had a dream last night where I was bartending, when a customer came up to me and pointed to the martini menu and asked, "how's the 'Andy Martin-o'?"  I quickly replied, "It tries to be dry, but it's really just awful."


...Just thought I'd share...

-Trip McFeely

Just A Thought

To my dearest beat writers,

     It's been nothing short of a disappointing start to our 2011 Mets' baseball season.  The team can't hit in RBI situations.  They kick the ball around on potential game-changing plays.  The pitchers can't close the door when handed a lead.  Like you, we get it.
     However, unlike you, we have serious emotion invested into this ball club.  We take the effects of this team's deficiencies with unwavering vehemence.  It breaks our heart's in a way parallel to that of being betrayed by family member or close friend...
     Which is why the last thing we need to read/hear is you bombarding Jose Reyes with a million questions about him being traded.  That's how rumors get started.  I can't go an hour without hearing fact-less hearsay that originated from your columns regurgitated in my direction from my peers and colleagues.  "Reyes is going to San Fran, bro."  Is he?  Did Sandy say that?  Is the deal done?  The Dodgers are up next on the schedule guys, anyway we could get that rumor started?  Gotta' sell them papers!  Leave the poor guy alone, and let us fans maintain our sanity... At least until a verifiable and concrete trade proposal is leaked from the front office.

Warm regards,
Trip McFeely

P.S. You're still all a bunch of douches.

SWITCHED AT BIRTH?

Jarvis here...

One of these guys grew up to be a professional baseball player. The other grew up (relatively speaking) to be a hobbit. I'll leave it up to you, the reader, to connect the dots.

-Jarvis O'Dell

THE GREAT REMONSTRANCE: TTD Challenge #1

Jarvis here...

Not gonna lie, I've had my nose in a thesaurus for a good 10 minutes coming up with a name for this one. Definitely nailed it.

So here's a new feature I want to introduce: THE GREAT REMONSTRANCE will be a weekly/monthly/whenever-I-get-around-to-it contest for our loyal readers. Part challenge/part brain-teaser/part scavenger hunt. Understand? Neither do I. So here we go:

TTD Challenge #1: Somebody bring me a piece of Andy Martino's beard. 

This clown's utter lack of professionalism is just mind-boggling. My mind really shouldn't be so boggled, right? He's been doing this since he handled his first pen(fifteen). He's got a press pass so he thinks he's more powerful than Jeebus. And the fact that Rubin, Puma & Klapisch, while clowns themselves, at least man up to their occasional bullshit, just makes Martino that much more of a joke. YOU'RE A SPORTSWRITER! WRITE ABOUT SPORTS! I spent 3+ hours watching the Mets/Astros last night, too. Don't tell me nothing happened. Blah blah blah? You fucking hack.


So what now...you hate your job? Miss the Phillies? Or are you just that much of a twerp that you know that your job is a joke & you're going to continue to treat it as such. Tell me this, Martino: what would you rather be doing? Do you like animals? Veterinarian. Do you like sweets? Hand out candy at a gay strip club. Find something you like because it really seems like you're wasting everyone's time.

Shit...this contest sort of turned into a rant there, didn't it? Well, here's the contest: SOMEBODY BRING ME A PIECE OF ANDY MARTINO'S BEARD. I don't care how you get it, I don't want to know or be involved. Snip a piece off while he naps during games (he's got to, right?). Tell him you're making a voodoo doll. Whatever works. Just SOMEBODY BRING ME A PIECE OF ANDY MARTINO'S BEARD.

Winner gets an autographed The Toy Dept poster signed by both myself & Trip. Shit, we gotta make some posters.

NOTE: If you can't successfully procure a piece of Martino's beard for us, we will also accept a piece of Bob Raissman's moustache or Ken Rosenthal's bowtie. 


-JARVIS O'DELL

Morning Sickness 4/20/11

A journalist actually wrote this today:
   

"Blah blah blah blah rain blah blah blah Niese blah blah Astros blah blah Mets got spanked. Blah blah, 6-1. We really don't know what else to tell you about this one. But we will try:

It was cold and wet at Citi Field, and the Mets flatlined for one minute shy of three hours against one of the worst teams in baseball. Actually, now the Mets (5-12) are worse than Houston - and the rest of the National League - as they slipped below the Astros (6-11). Could there be a less stimulating April ballgame than the one between these sorry opponents? The only appropriate word is blah."

 -Andy Martino

Daily News

     If this isn't the laziest piece of shit-writing I have ever seen...  We get it Andy, the Mets are playing bad baseball, if you're bored or just too lazy to cover it, seek new employment.  
PLEASE seek new employment. 

-Trip McFeely