The BBWAA Hates Bacne: The Mike Piazza Argument

     Mike Piazza is a first ballot Hall of Famer, hands down, no questions asked! But he was snubbed by the cult known as the Baseball Writers Association of America. Why? Because of mere speculation that he was a product of the black cloud known as the steroid era of Major League Baseball.  Speculation, that somehow overshadowed Piazza's clear first ballot résumé.

     In a time where the "anonymous source" is considered journalistic gold, not one local writer that left Piazza off their ballot, could come up with the smallest shred of solid evidence (anonymous or otherwise), in any piece of garbage article that they've ever written, suggesting Mike Piazza's guilt in the use of steroids or any other performance enhancing drugs.  In fact the biggest piece of evidence you hear from these self-proclaimed gate-keeper's is that Piazza had acne... on his back... Bacne!

     -First of all, STOP WATCHING THE GUY SHOWER!!!
     -Secondly, If  bacne is proof of steroid use, me and my entire high school baseball team must have been the biggest juiceheads on the planet (we weren't... At least, most of us weren't... There I go speculating... Maybe we should give back our State Championship runner up title).

     Joking aside, Piazza has been unfairly labeled a "juicer," and thrown into purgatory with a group of villains such as Barry Bonds and Roger Clemons, by the likes of men whom have never dug into a batter's box, broken up a double play, hit a breaking ball, or got caught in a rundown.  In fact, these guys don't even qualify to manage the equipment, keep the book, or even guard the sunflower seeds for a little league team. I am talking about the BBWAA. The uncoordinated, ass-kissing, chess nerds that somehow have an important say in who is allowed in the MLB Hall of Fame. These hacks made this year's vote about themselves. They made the headlines this year, not the players like Craig Biggio and MIKE PIAZZA that deserve to be enshrined. The story is not about baseball achievements, it's about the clowns that own the vote. And it couldn't be made any more clear than it was in today's Bill Madden column in the Daily News.

"Critics need to shut up over shutout... Save your breath. The system isn't going to be changed because it is working."     -Emperor Palpatine - NY Daily News

     Madden and his minions, most notably Jon Heyman and Ken "The Troll" Rosenthal, make it very clear they consider themselves bigger than the game. Yesterday's vote results proved it. But when the BBWAA has members that vote for Sean Green and not Mike Piazza (and some turd who voted for Aaron Sele), how can we be expected to take these clowns seriously? How can they claim the system is working?

     Mike Piazza should have been inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame yesterday on his first ballot opportunity, but unfortunately he's been labeled guilty until proven innocent.  Piazza is only guilty of being a power hitter during the steroid era. And in a time when the "anonymous source" is a valued journalistic tool, it's not surprising that "suspicion" has become just as potent.

-Trip McFeely

Craig Carton: Big Fan of "Make-Up" Sex

     In a world where's it's become credible to take quotes from anonymous sources and pawn them off as real, hard-hitting news stories (see Manish Mehta), we here at The Toy Department got our hands on a gem of a story. A pair of very credible sources within WFAN, albeit anonymous, have confirmed that co-host of Boomer & Carton In The Morning, Craig Carton, has been caught by a private investigator hired by his wife Kim, engaging in sexual activity with the show's makeup artist, whom we'd prefer not to mention by name (but if you listen to or watch the show, you can figure it out). Since the affair has surfaced within WFAN, the aforementioned makeup artist has mysteriously disappeared from the program. 
     "We all know what happened around here," said one anonymous WFAN employee, "but it'll just get swept under the carpet."
     Carton, a man who loves reporting rumor as fact on his show, would undoubtedly report this story if it involved any other prominent person in the New York sports scene. 
     "Carton is a big jerk, listeners know it and they think it's his on-air persona, but no, that's how his co-workers think of him too. Now he got caught with his hand in the cookie jar," said the other WFAN employee.
     It would indeed appear that he got caught with his hand in the cookie jar, or more accurately, with his penis in the makeup girl. 

     The Toy Department has reached out to Boomer & Carton's producers as well as Craig Carton and the Makeup girl via Twitter.  More to come...

-Trip McFeely

***The above quotes are paraphrased, because honestly who quotes people word-for-word these days?  Plus, The Toy Department doesn't have room in the budget for a tape recorder.***
  

Andy Martino Has No Friends

"Sources familiar with the team’s thinking have maintained that the Mets are unwilling to offer six or seven years, and might be uncomfortable with five."

-Andy Martino

New York Daily News

     This isn't the first time this weasel has made up a source in order to make his story seem hard-hitting and relevant. Back in July (the last time we made a post... I know, I know... we're busy, keep your pants on), Martino also quoted "Major League Sources familiar with the Mets' thinking," to make a point that the Mets were trying to trade Jason Isringhausen.  We all know how that turned out, another swing-and-miss story from our favorite beat writer.

If/when the Mets do give Jose a 5/6+ year deal, do you think Candy Martino will quit quoting his imaginary friends?

-Trip McFeely

Quick Recap

Here's a rough time-line of true events:

Last week:
Andy Martino writes a column claiming that Mets' GM Sandy Alderson is shopping Jason Isringhausen (along with Francisco Rodriguez and Tim Byrdak).
Citing "Major League Sources familiar with the Mets' thinking". In other words, no real sources within the Mets or direct quotes, as per Daily News protocol.

Friday:
Izzy reads or (more likely) hears about Martino's column (because why would he, or anyone, want to read that garbage).

Saturday:
In response to Izzy's inquiries about being on the trading block, Alderson wonders what the fuck Izzy is talking about and wipes his ass with the Sports section of the Daily News to prove a point.

The days may be a bit off, but we're pretty certain that's how things went down... or a least that's what a source familiar with the Mets' thinking, told us

Yesterday:
Martino writes a column claiming that Izzy's meeting with Alderson proves that he was indeed on the block.
How delusional is this sissy?

-Trip and Jarvis

The Art of Reporting Like a Talentless Hack

     Andy Martino is a terrible Journalist.  No surprise here.  But over the past hour or so he has undoubtedly driven that point home to my (and hopefully your) amusement.

 First Martino tweeted this:

Fair question by Andrew, and an expected, vanilla response from Sandy.  No big deal here.

 A few minutes later, he tweeted this:

So now Andre' makes it seem as he's asking the tough, hard-hitting, follow-up question, only to get a similar, blah (to steal a Martino-ism) response.  Just because you asked him to be more specific, doesn't mean he got more specific.

So let's recap:  Martino asks Alderson if the Mets have interest in Kazmir...  Alderson says that they always have an eye on the waiver wire...  Martino follows up with a flimsy, pointless question...  Alderson has a similar, empty response.

Wow guys, this is some compelling shit, huh?  Please Andrew, tell us more of your investigative genius.

So from this exclusive, 1-on-1 interview, Martino is able to derive this:

Here's the actual link

My point:
     Will the Mets take a shot on Scott Kazmir?  Who fucking knows?  Not me, not you, sure as hell not Andy "Bitch Voice" Martino.  Maybe Sandy Alderson knows, but he gave zero information to point in either direction.  So there's no story here.  At least not yet. So stop trying to make something out of nothing, Annie Martino!  Didn't you learn your lesson yet?

-Trip McFeely

Morning Sickness 5/31/11

     David Lennon can read minds.

     Or at least translate vague quotes into seemingly newsworthy information.

     In today's column, Lennon actually makes up... that's right... MAKES UP a quote from The Mets new minority owner David Einhorn.  Here it is:

"I can't make any such assurance," Einhorn said. "It will be what it will be, you know? It's not that people aren't going to try really hard to avoid that sort of a circumstance. But the future is uncertain and there's a wide range of possible outcomes of all sorts of things. That's true of life in general, and it's true in this circumstance as well."

As in, "Good luck, Freddy. We'll touch base again in 2014 so I know when to move my stuff into the big office."

-David Lennon

Newsday

     What?!?!

     How did Lennon get that information from such a general, bland, nothing-of-a-statement?  Einhorn said absolutely nothing in that quote and Lennon turned it into Fred Wilpon's walking papers.

"I guess it is what it is"


As in, "I still take bubble baths with my floating toys."

-Trip McFeely

Superstition Ain't The Way

     Yesterday, it was brought to our attention that the Post's Kevin Kernan, apart from resembling an inbred border terrier, is very superstitious.

     In Kernan's column, he smothers his readers with metaphors of failure, implying the Mets' season is already over (typical beat writer drivel). Then he goes on to suggest that the front office should be steadfast in attempting to trade Jose Reyes.  Why, you ask?  Well, Kernan believes the Mets adversity is credited to some supernatural power, and the Mets should get all they can for Reyes before the Citi Field soil opens up, and engulfs him.  That's right folks, Kernan sincerely believes the Mets are cursed.  Don't get me wrong, this Mets team has had some bad luck (i.e. Hanley Ramirez's shoulder block, turned double play from two nights ago), but does Kernan expect us to believe that some sort of demon possesses this team, causing their inability to be successful?  I, for one, don't buy it.  Actually, it may be the most idiotic Mets theory I've ever read... in the Post... by Kernan... in the past two days.

     Listen Kevin, all teams have injuries, so give it a rest.  Everybody has at least some small superstition (myself included) they subscribe to, but your theory is just plain stupid.  Could Reyes get hurt (as I ferociously knock on my head as a substitute for the wood that doesn't exist in my office)?  Sure.  But it wouldn't be a result of some agitation in the underworld.  So take your rabbit's foot, broken mirror, black cat, spilled salt and shove them up your tuckus.

     As for this quote:

"The Mets say Wright will be right in two weeks, but when has a Mets’ injury ever met the best-case scenario?"

     What about Beltran this year? All you beat writer clowns had him sidelined for the start of the season, despite encouraging reports from Terry Collins and Sandy Alderson.  Who lived up to that best-case scenario?

     And could someone please give me a substantial Reyes trade report?  I am not saying he won't be traded, but not one report written by any of these idiots has a credible source.

-Trip McFeely