Apparently David Lennon Thinks He Can Manage The Mets

If the Terry Collins experiment doesn't work out, Met fans, we may have had the remedy right under our noses the entire time... David Lennon. Newsday's "acclaimed" Mets beat writer is already agreeing with comparisons of the Mets new skipper to, you guessed it, Jerry Manuel.  Mind you, Collins hasn't even managed ONE GAME for the Metropolitans.

I mean seriously, David, give the guy a break! Terry didn't pick on you in high school... He wasn't one of the bullies that gave you a swirly in the locker room... He wasn't the gym teacher that got in your face and made fun of you because you couldn't manage to do one push-up.

Maybe there is a method behind this batting order. Maybe he wants the guys that take a lot of pitches (Thole and Emaus) consistently batting at the bottom of the order. Maybe he doesn't want to overwhelm Lucas Duda just yet. Maybe he wants Angel Pagan to protect Carlos Beltran. Maybe he doesn't want to have a completely different lineup out there everyday, i.e. Jerry Manuel. Maybe he wants his players to become comfortable with their spots in the batting order for when Jason Bay gets off the DL. Maybe you should just let the guy manage a few games before you start to criticize.

Maybe if you weren't such a arrogant prick, I'd stop making you my bitch!

- Trip McFeely

OPENING DAY

Jarvis here...

Well, it's that time of year again. Opening Day. Baseball is back. There's a renewed reason to believe. The sky is blue...the sun is shining...the birds are singing (and the bees are trying to have sex with them, as is my understanding)...

Another glorious marathon of our national pastime. Going to the ballpark. A beer, a dog, the possibility of a foul ball. Clean uniforms. Clean scorecards. Everybody is tied for 1st. Everybody leads the league in every statistical category. I mean...today just might be the greatest day ev--

Wait...what? The Mets aren't even playing today? Bay might be on the DL? What the fuck is this all about? And it's raining now, too? DAY RUINED. SEASON RUINED. S-H-I-T.

When does football start? Wait...what about the upcoming football season?!

-Jarvis O'Dell

Steve Popper: Out of the loop, or just plain lazy?

Oh boy Mr. Popper, what is your deal?  You're getting close to passing David Lennon as my bitch... well... not quite.  But still, it's been a rough 3 days for you hasn't it?

Today you wrote:
"...there is a slight debate within the Mets hierarchy over whether to try to keep Nick Evans from facing a trip through the waiver wire by giving him the last spot on the roster."

I'm sure there WAS debate at some point, but maybe, just maybe you should have read this first...  That's right your boy Adam Rubin says you're wrong.  Nick Evans is already on waivers.  Maybe, and this is just a hunch, you should double-check your facts before you go to print?  Or did they not teach you that when you were studying journalism at Barnes & Noble?  I thought Journalism For Dummies might include that chapter.

Your other asshole move of the morning was in this column, where you wrote, "The risk is one the Mets are willing to take because Beltran clearly makes them a better team. Even switching to right field from his customary spot in center, a concession to the knee problems that have lingered since 2008, he still is projected as the Mets’ cleanup hitter — a switch-hitting, powerful presence who when healthy might be the best bat on the team."

Wow.  I actually agree with what you've said here.  So what's my problem?  Well, my problem is, in your column on Sunday you called Beltrán "a shadow of the player he once was" (which I also called you out for... see, I'm consistent).  Wait, so now he's "a switch-hitting, powerful presence," and he "might be the best bat on the team," who "clearly makes them a better team"?  You fuckin' hypocrite!  Are you serious?  Is this legal?  Less than 3 days later, and your opinion is all of a sudden the exact opposite?  Between this bullshit, and your phony Johan Santana story from a couple weeks ago, I honestly can't take you seriously, and I don't know who can.

I'll leave you with this: Another one of your brilliant quotes from this morning's column was, "It’s hard to blame Beltran for feeling he is talked out on the subject, having chronicled his every step for the last two years."

Tell me, whose fault do you think that is?

-Trip McFeely 

Morning Sickness 3/29/11

Where to begin...

Usually The Mets beat writers suffer from broken-record-syndrome on Twitter by posting the same goddamn (non)story 50 times in a row to the point where I want to slit my wrists.  However, over the last 24 hours, they can't even get on the same page:

Last night, I read this story by the New York Time's David Waldstein, where he reports that "The Mets have asked the right-handed reliever Jason Isringhausen to remain in extended spring training for a week or two to increase his arm strength and reassure them that his elbow is healthy."

OK... Sounds... realistic...

But then this morning I read my boy Steve Popper's tiny little two-paragraph story where he suggests that both Izzy AND Blaine Boyer Met with the Mets yesterday, but neither was asked to accept an assignment to participate in extended spring training.

And then there's this:

So to recap, Waldstein says the Mets asked Izzy to stay in extended spring training... Popper says Neither Boyer, nor Isringhausen were asked to accept an assignment... And Ruben says a minor league assignment was suggested to Boyer, but not necessarily to Izzy (at least Rubin has sources)...

C'mon guys get your shit together.  I know I've suggested some diversity in your stories, but this isn't quite what I meant.


-Trip McFeely

Here They Are Met Fans, Your Toy Department

How much gash do you think these studs got in college?

Saturday, PIX just so happened to get a shot of these clowns herding their way over from a minor league game featuring Carlos Beltrán, to Digital Domain park.  Let's be clear, none of our wrath is directed towards Kevin Burkhardt.  We like him.  He's not a negative dick.  As for the rest of them, this picture speaks a thousand words.  How can we expect to get any fresh or compelling point a views, when these man-boys always travel together like a school of minnows?  That's why we get 50 identical tweets and 12 redundant columns a day.  Beltrán's knees/opening day status... Emaus playing second?... Izzy/Boyer?... Can Evans clear waivers?...  How about something new and original?  Instead we have to open our paper every morning and read the same garbage they've been spewing at us all spring.  Enough is enough, we want some real reporting.


Take note at how the flash on my cell camera had no choice but to bounce off of David Lennon's big, shiny forehead.  Also notice Andy Martino behind him playing a friendly little game of grab-ass while the two of them share a giggle.


-Trip McFeely

A LARGE METAL POT FOR COOKING

Jarvis here...

Yesterday, professional "winning consultant" Mike Tully had THIS printed in a real newspaper. Or magazine insert in a real newspaper. Or something like that. I don't know, it was Saturday, it was my day off, dick.

Basically, he compared successful baseball players to a college women's soccer team. He highlights the "competitive cauldron." (editor's note: the fuck?) The 'dron, as I'll now nickname it, is "players compete in every aspect of the sport, including the weight room, sprints and drills. Coaches then look for the players with a knack for being on the winning side." Slice of deep-fried brilliance. Ladies and gentlemen, it is no coincidence that today I am picking my own team of winners: my fucking fantasy baseball team. With Mr. Tully as my spirit guide, let's see if this strategy pays dividends like his cold hard facts guarantee.

My team name: The Jean Claude Van 'Dron'ers. I have the 12th pick of the 1st round. My first choice is a no-brainer:

ERIC HINSKE (1B/OF, ATL) - 2002 AL Rookie of the Year winner, Hinske played for THREE straight world series contenders between 2007-2009, winning TWO rings. Then last year he led the Braves to a pivotal Game 4 in the NLCS before they (and I use the term "they" loosely, because it implies Mr. Hinske was a loser as well) were eliminated by the Gigantes. Guy also has his back completely covered in tattoos. Franchise fantasy player, without a doubt.

Since I had the 12th pick in the 1st round, I've got the 1st pick in the 2nd round. Time to stack this team up good. My 2nd pick:

CHUCK LORRE (writer/director/producer/composer, CBS) - I'm sorry, but when you're the creative brain behind Grace Under Fire, Cybill, Dharma & Greg, Two and a Half Men, AND The Big Bang Theory you've earned your spot at the top. When a Jewish divorcee father of two can earn 4 BMI Television Music Awards, a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, AND an honorary degree from SUNY Potsdam...well, I think I'm a little pissed at myself that I didn't scoop him up in the 1st round. Jesus, imagine if someone else grabbed him. Straight fucked.

Twiddle my thumbs for a tick & now my 3rd round pick:

KATE GOSSELIN (fame whore/whore, TLC) - A fame magnate. Multiple hit TLC reality programs, Dancing with some Stars, multiple guest-hosting stints on The View. Bitch tried to have one kid & ended up have 6 in one birthing. Then two more just for kicks, because obviously she loves children. She's so proud of them that she parades them across all of basic cable, through a nasty tabloid-headlining divorce, plastic surgery appointments, and rumors of a full spread spread in Playboy. If I could, I'd pick those little Gosselins with my next 8 picks. But I'd be too top heavy, and fantasy baseball isn't about picking your favorites, its about winning.

4th pick:

YOGI BERRA (C, NYY) - Soup connoisseur, Aflac spokesman, wordsmith, 10-time world series winner, hall of famer. Guy's got 10 fingers, so he wins 10 rings. He would have won 20 rings, but thinks toe rings are a mite garish. And I agree. I came to the fork in the road, and I took it.

5th pick:

TIMOTHY V. MURPHY (actor, TV) - Opulence, he has it. Owns a mini CGI giraffe. AND HE'S NOT EVEN FUCKING RUSSIAN!!!!

6th pick:

BILL BELICHICK (head coach, New England Patriots) - Guy's got the highest winning percentage out of anyone ever according to a ridiculously vague Google search. Boom! Fuck you!

7th pick:

ANGEL PAGAN (OF, NYM) - Guy's awesome. Spearfishes in the offseason.

Okay, so I really had to make stool, so auto-pick finished the job for me. I think its safe to say auto-pick done me solid:

LUIS AYALA
CARLOS SLIM HELU
MARIA SHARAPOVA
DAVID LENNON
ALBERT PUJOLS (can't believe he was still available)
WINNIE THE POOH (guy's got WIN right there in his fucking name)
JAMES GOLDSTONE (director of 1969 film WINNING)
MIKE TULLY'S FROZEN SPERM DONATION
CARLOS BELTRAN (oh...shit...i'm fucked)
ANDY MARTINO (phew, back on track)
BARTOLO COLON (pitching depth)
ELIJAH DUKES
A PACKAGE OF TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES TRADING CARDS FROM 1992

SOLID.

Wait, what was this post about again? Oh yeah, fuck Mike Tully and his ridiculous horseshit. But seriously, look him up. He also wrote a post called "Should College Athletic Scholarships End?" Hopefully they don't, because god forbid the UNC Women's Soccer team has their 'dron depleted.

-Jarvis O'Dell

Morning Sickness 3/27/11

I dove into two columns this morning that got a bit of a rise out of me...

The first one was from my buddy David Lennon from Newsday.  Now I know what you're thinking:  Newsday still exists? Why yes it does.  And it houses one of my favorite punching bags, Mr. David Lennon.  Today, Lennon's big, shiny forehead wrote this:  If Beltran's rusty, back-date him on DL

My interpretation:  Lennon took a page out of my last lesson,  Journalism 102 and is covering his own ass by making a strong case for the Mets to start Carlos Beltrán on the DL.  Why is he doing this you ask?  Because for the last two weeks, Lennon has been firmly vowing that Beltrán will not start the season with the big club.  He's written that sentiment, he's tweeted it (which will be part of a whole new blog entry on Opening Day), he even went on TV (with the sun glaring off of his big, shiny forehead) and declared "(Beltrán's) going to be on the DL to start the season."  So with opening day only 5 days away, it's looking more and more like Beltrán will be trotting out to right field with the big club, and more and more like Lennon and most of his fellow beat writers will be wrong with their mighty predictions.  So Lennon has to write this column and try to make comparisions to the decision of activating Beltrán to something the old regime might do.  Blah blah blah.  We all want to see Carlos out there, he's a big boy, shut up Lennon, you're wrong (as usual).


The next column that got my blood boiling was from The Bergen Record's Steve Popper.  Today, he wrote this piece of crap: Beltran plays, but he's far from a big hit

This article contains a pair of quotes that enraged me and ruined my pleasant Sunday morning...


Quote 1: "Beltran took an optimistic view of his performance, happy that he felt no pain in his knees. And that might be as good as it gets for him these days, hoping to get through as a shadow of the player he once was, but healthy enough to get in the lineup."

My response:  Seriously Popper?  Keep your opinion out of it!  "A shadow of the player he once was"?  I mean what in your athletic past gives you the right to assess any real athlete's ability?  Did you play in a pickup wiffle ball game last week and not fall down running to first base and now you're the ultimate judge of athletic prowess?  You're a dick!

Quote 2: "In right field he looked bored at times, which is part of the adjustment, too."

My response:  Kinda like I look when I read you're God-awful columns, Pooper!  I can't believe your editor let you print this line you douche!  "...he looked bored," or focused, or ready, or like he was playing the outfield waiting for some action you jerkoff!

I hate these idiots!

-Trip McFeely

Morning Sickness 3/25/11

Hey Popper, SHUT... UP!

We're sick of all the negativity coming from you and your wimpy cronies.  Some of us are excited for opening day.  So stop trying to bring us down you little bitch!

-Trip McFeely

Journalism 102: When You're Wrong, You're Never Wrong

     As you may have read yesterday (and I'm sure you did), The Toy Department went after The Post's Mike Puma for his philosophy of creating conflict when there's nothing else to write about.  In his column, Puma suggested that Brad Emaus was not the front-runner for the Mets opening day 2nd base job, and that there is still a controversy over the position battle.  He provided no sources and based his story strictly on what he implied to be hearsay (clearly obtained from his excellent journalistic sleuthing).

Then Brad Emaus went 4 for 4 in a spring training game against the Cardinals...

     Today, what we all knew already, is a little more clear.  Brad Emaus is (still) the front-runner to be the opening day 2nd baseman, as he secured the spot with his performance yesterday.  And even Puma finally agrees. However, instead of admitting that he was dead-wrong, Puma credits this discovery to Emaus' performance against the Cards.  Which we all agree, did help.  But it's a cop-out for Puma.  He played both sides and is trying to come out looking clean.  According to Puma a week ago, Luis Hernandez was the guy... Yesterday, Emaus still might not be the the guy...  Today, Emaus probably is the guy (but he still gives Chin-Lung Hu and Daniel Murphy and outside shot... ya know... just to cover all his bases)... What a bunch of uninformative journalistic crap!  You were wrong!  Brad Emaus would have been the Mets opening day second baseman even if he were to play mediocre baseball over the next week.  We've known this and Puma has known this... but that story wouldn't sell papers I guess.

-Trip McFeely

Morning Sickness 3/24/11

  Lennon is at it again.  This tweet from that pompous ass would be totally fine if he would have just stopped after "Just hustled out of the box on single from left side."  However, that smug little prick has to give it his douchy little two cents by adding "Still standing."  We get it.  Beltrán has bad knees.  He's not, however, Joe Swanson.  Enough with the snarky asides, dipshit.

-Trip McFeely

Journalism 101: When There's No Conflict, Make One Up.

Last week,  New York Post columnist Mike Puma reported the front-runner in the Mets' 2nd base competition was not Brad Emaus, but Luis Hernandez.  Needless to say, he was wrong.  After everyone's favorite ginger Justin Turner was sent to AAA yesterday, it is now clear to everyone that Emaus is the favorite to win the gig.  Except that wouldn't be news.  Today, Puma is up to his same ole malarkey.

Citing no sources, and give zero evidence, Puma has managed to create conflict out of an absolute non-story.  Maybe he's too stubborn to admit that he was wrong last week, or maybe he's just trying to sell papers.  Either way, the story doesn't (or at least shouldn't) have an ounce of relevance.

In the spirit of Mike Puma, I will give this style of journalism a shot...

With only 8 spring training games left before opening day, my sources (my imagination) tell me that a new candidate has emerged in the race for 2nd base.  Willie Harris is in line to be the Metropolitan's opening day 2nd basemen.  This opens up an entirely new competion for the fifth bench spot, which is believed to be a battle between Nick Evans, Lucas Duda, and Jason Isringhausen.

Boom! Run with that Met fans!

-Trip McFeely

DICKFACE OF THE YEAR AWARD

Jarvis here...

Wow, our first day as a blog and already someone has won the Dickface of the Year Award. TJ Simers: Dickface of the Year. Congrats, dickface.

Read this.

I usually reserve Marty Noble as my punching bag. So plump & full of chicken fingers. But it's almost as if a fat sports writer Jesus looked down upon me and plopped this sloppy west coast butterball right onto my dinner plate. I mean, seriously, TJ Simers, who the FUCK do you think you are? Well, here's what the internet thinks you are:

A bully.

A small dick wimp.

A D-bag.

A fat obnoxious piece of shit.

I agree on all accounts. And now my mission is clear. Sure...Noble, Heyman, Lennon, Rubin, Martino, McCullough...they're all dipshit assholes. But TJ (fat sports writer named TJ? I don't even need to post a picture of this guy. Because come on, you already know what he looks like), TJ is my new Noble. The West Coast Noble. I'm coming for you TJ. There will be no plate of chicken fingers to comfort you once I find you. Fuck you. Fuck your ugly ass homely wife. And fuck your whore poor unfortunate daughters. You don't wield power, you wield fat greasy fingers. And you're gonna burn, piggy.

-Jarvis O'Dell

Additional Morning Sickness

How unprofessional of me.  I forgot to post this gem.  This just in, Carlos Beltrán went into his manager's office to talk to his bosses.  Holy shit cakes, this... is... NEWS! 

Speculation 1:
     Beltrán is definitely out for the year!

Speculation 2:
     Beltrán is quitting baseball!

Speculation 3:
     Maybe they're just having a normal baseball conversation???  Nahhhhhh! Let's go with #2  PRINT!

-Trip McFeely

Morning Sickness

Update 3/24/11 1:06 PM:

Goddammit McCullough, didn't you get the memo you drama queen?

____________________________________________________________

Update 12:15 PM:

He's alive... ALIVE!!!

____________________________________________________________

     In case you were concerned Met fans,  Jason Isringhausen did not, in fact, die after this morning's bullpen session.  Contrary to what @DBagLennon would like us all to believe, his life was not in jeopardy whilst tossing the ball a several times 60 feet, 6 inches (that's the distance from the rubber to home plate, Davey).  Lennon continues to set the bar in a sport already full of obnoxious hyperbole.  But we should be thanking him.  Thank you Dave, for easing all of our worry.  I went to bed last night dreading that I may awake to such disheartening news that Izzy would be deceased.  I mean a bullpen session?!? Just 24 hours after long tossing!!!  Are they crazy???  But my nerves were settled when I logged on to Twitter this morning and read this masterpiece.  Lennon, you're a joke!

-Trip McFeely

The Toy Department Manifesto

The invention of the movable type printing press by Johannes Gutenberg in the 15th century. Alexander Cartwright formalizing the Knickerbocker Rules in 1845. Our own fathers drunken expletive-laced tirades during our little league games in 1987. Marty Noble eating all the chicken fingers from the press box buffet before a Mets/Marlins game in 2008. It's all lead to this moment.

Whenever a pitching coach goes off the record...we'll be there. Whenever the Port St Lucie IHOP serves undercooked sausage patties...we'll be there. Whenever Carlos Beltran does anything...anywhere...we'll be there.

We are smug shitbags. We are uncoordinated & socially-inept. We report everything as fact.

We are better than you.

We are...The Toy Department.