Jarvis here...
Yesterday, professional "winning consultant" Mike Tully had THIS printed in a real newspaper. Or magazine insert in a real newspaper. Or something like that. I don't know, it was Saturday, it was my day off, dick.
Basically, he compared successful baseball players to a college women's soccer team. He highlights the "competitive cauldron." (editor's note: the fuck?) The 'dron, as I'll now nickname it, is "players compete in every aspect of the sport, including the weight room, sprints and drills. Coaches then look for the players with a knack for being on the winning side." Slice of deep-fried brilliance. Ladies and gentlemen, it is no coincidence that today I am picking my own team of winners: my fucking fantasy baseball team. With Mr. Tully as my spirit guide, let's see if this strategy pays dividends like his cold hard facts guarantee.
My team name: The Jean Claude Van 'Dron'ers. I have the 12th pick of the 1st round. My first choice is a no-brainer:
ERIC HINSKE (1B/OF, ATL) - 2002 AL Rookie of the Year winner, Hinske played for THREE straight world series contenders between 2007-2009, winning TWO rings. Then last year he led the Braves to a pivotal Game 4 in the NLCS before they (and I use the term "they" loosely, because it implies Mr. Hinske was a loser as well) were eliminated by the Gigantes. Guy also has his back completely covered in tattoos. Franchise fantasy player, without a doubt.
Since I had the 12th pick in the 1st round, I've got the 1st pick in the 2nd round. Time to stack this team up good. My 2nd pick:
CHUCK LORRE (writer/director/producer/composer, CBS) - I'm sorry, but when you're the creative brain behind Grace Under Fire, Cybill, Dharma & Greg, Two and a Half Men, AND The Big Bang Theory you've earned your spot at the top. When a Jewish divorcee father of two can earn 4 BMI Television Music Awards, a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, AND an honorary degree from SUNY Potsdam...well, I think I'm a little pissed at myself that I didn't scoop him up in the 1st round. Jesus, imagine if someone else grabbed him. Straight fucked.
Twiddle my thumbs for a tick & now my 3rd round pick:
KATE GOSSELIN (fame whore/whore, TLC) - A fame magnate. Multiple hit TLC reality programs, Dancing with some Stars, multiple guest-hosting stints on The View. Bitch tried to have one kid & ended up have 6 in one birthing. Then two more just for kicks, because obviously she loves children. She's so proud of them that she parades them across all of basic cable, through a nasty tabloid-headlining divorce, plastic surgery appointments, and rumors of a full spread spread in Playboy. If I could, I'd pick those little Gosselins with my next 8 picks. But I'd be too top heavy, and fantasy baseball isn't about picking your favorites, its about winning.
4th pick:
YOGI BERRA (C, NYY) - Soup connoisseur, Aflac spokesman, wordsmith, 10-time world series winner, hall of famer. Guy's got 10 fingers, so he wins 10 rings. He would have won 20 rings, but thinks toe rings are a mite garish. And I agree. I came to the fork in the road, and I took it.
5th pick:
TIMOTHY V. MURPHY (actor, TV) - Opulence, he has it. Owns a mini CGI giraffe. AND HE'S NOT EVEN FUCKING RUSSIAN!!!!
6th pick:
BILL BELICHICK (head coach, New England Patriots) - Guy's got the highest winning percentage out of anyone ever according to a ridiculously vague Google search. Boom! Fuck you!
7th pick:
ANGEL PAGAN (OF, NYM) - Guy's awesome. Spearfishes in the offseason.
Okay, so I really had to make stool, so auto-pick finished the job for me. I think its safe to say auto-pick done me solid:
LUIS AYALA
CARLOS SLIM HELU
MARIA SHARAPOVA
DAVID LENNON
ALBERT PUJOLS (can't believe he was still available)
WINNIE THE POOH (guy's got WIN right there in his fucking name)
JAMES GOLDSTONE (director of 1969 film WINNING)
MIKE TULLY'S FROZEN SPERM DONATION
CARLOS BELTRAN (oh...shit...i'm fucked)
ANDY MARTINO (phew, back on track)
BARTOLO COLON (pitching depth)
ELIJAH DUKES
A PACKAGE OF TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES TRADING CARDS FROM 1992
SOLID.
Wait, what was this post about again? Oh yeah, fuck Mike Tully and his ridiculous horseshit. But seriously, look him up. He also wrote a post called "Should College Athletic Scholarships End?" Hopefully they don't, because god forbid the UNC Women's Soccer team has their 'dron depleted.
-Jarvis O'Dell
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