Andy Martino Has No Friends

"Sources familiar with the team’s thinking have maintained that the Mets are unwilling to offer six or seven years, and might be uncomfortable with five."

-Andy Martino

New York Daily News

     This isn't the first time this weasel has made up a source in order to make his story seem hard-hitting and relevant. Back in July (the last time we made a post... I know, I know... we're busy, keep your pants on), Martino also quoted "Major League Sources familiar with the Mets' thinking," to make a point that the Mets were trying to trade Jason Isringhausen.  We all know how that turned out, another swing-and-miss story from our favorite beat writer.

If/when the Mets do give Jose a 5/6+ year deal, do you think Candy Martino will quit quoting his imaginary friends?

-Trip McFeely

Quick Recap

Here's a rough time-line of true events:

Last week:
Andy Martino writes a column claiming that Mets' GM Sandy Alderson is shopping Jason Isringhausen (along with Francisco Rodriguez and Tim Byrdak).
Citing "Major League Sources familiar with the Mets' thinking". In other words, no real sources within the Mets or direct quotes, as per Daily News protocol.

Friday:
Izzy reads or (more likely) hears about Martino's column (because why would he, or anyone, want to read that garbage).

Saturday:
In response to Izzy's inquiries about being on the trading block, Alderson wonders what the fuck Izzy is talking about and wipes his ass with the Sports section of the Daily News to prove a point.

The days may be a bit off, but we're pretty certain that's how things went down... or a least that's what a source familiar with the Mets' thinking, told us

Yesterday:
Martino writes a column claiming that Izzy's meeting with Alderson proves that he was indeed on the block.
How delusional is this sissy?

-Trip and Jarvis

The Art of Reporting Like a Talentless Hack

     Andy Martino is a terrible Journalist.  No surprise here.  But over the past hour or so he has undoubtedly driven that point home to my (and hopefully your) amusement.

 First Martino tweeted this:

Fair question by Andrew, and an expected, vanilla response from Sandy.  No big deal here.

 A few minutes later, he tweeted this:

So now Andre' makes it seem as he's asking the tough, hard-hitting, follow-up question, only to get a similar, blah (to steal a Martino-ism) response.  Just because you asked him to be more specific, doesn't mean he got more specific.

So let's recap:  Martino asks Alderson if the Mets have interest in Kazmir...  Alderson says that they always have an eye on the waiver wire...  Martino follows up with a flimsy, pointless question...  Alderson has a similar, empty response.

Wow guys, this is some compelling shit, huh?  Please Andrew, tell us more of your investigative genius.

So from this exclusive, 1-on-1 interview, Martino is able to derive this:

Here's the actual link

My point:
     Will the Mets take a shot on Scott Kazmir?  Who fucking knows?  Not me, not you, sure as hell not Andy "Bitch Voice" Martino.  Maybe Sandy Alderson knows, but he gave zero information to point in either direction.  So there's no story here.  At least not yet. So stop trying to make something out of nothing, Annie Martino!  Didn't you learn your lesson yet?

-Trip McFeely

Morning Sickness 5/31/11

     David Lennon can read minds.

     Or at least translate vague quotes into seemingly newsworthy information.

     In today's column, Lennon actually makes up... that's right... MAKES UP a quote from The Mets new minority owner David Einhorn.  Here it is:

"I can't make any such assurance," Einhorn said. "It will be what it will be, you know? It's not that people aren't going to try really hard to avoid that sort of a circumstance. But the future is uncertain and there's a wide range of possible outcomes of all sorts of things. That's true of life in general, and it's true in this circumstance as well."

As in, "Good luck, Freddy. We'll touch base again in 2014 so I know when to move my stuff into the big office."

-David Lennon

Newsday

     What?!?!

     How did Lennon get that information from such a general, bland, nothing-of-a-statement?  Einhorn said absolutely nothing in that quote and Lennon turned it into Fred Wilpon's walking papers.

"I guess it is what it is"


As in, "I still take bubble baths with my floating toys."

-Trip McFeely

Superstition Ain't The Way

     Yesterday, it was brought to our attention that the Post's Kevin Kernan, apart from resembling an inbred border terrier, is very superstitious.

     In Kernan's column, he smothers his readers with metaphors of failure, implying the Mets' season is already over (typical beat writer drivel). Then he goes on to suggest that the front office should be steadfast in attempting to trade Jose Reyes.  Why, you ask?  Well, Kernan believes the Mets adversity is credited to some supernatural power, and the Mets should get all they can for Reyes before the Citi Field soil opens up, and engulfs him.  That's right folks, Kernan sincerely believes the Mets are cursed.  Don't get me wrong, this Mets team has had some bad luck (i.e. Hanley Ramirez's shoulder block, turned double play from two nights ago), but does Kernan expect us to believe that some sort of demon possesses this team, causing their inability to be successful?  I, for one, don't buy it.  Actually, it may be the most idiotic Mets theory I've ever read... in the Post... by Kernan... in the past two days.

     Listen Kevin, all teams have injuries, so give it a rest.  Everybody has at least some small superstition (myself included) they subscribe to, but your theory is just plain stupid.  Could Reyes get hurt (as I ferociously knock on my head as a substitute for the wood that doesn't exist in my office)?  Sure.  But it wouldn't be a result of some agitation in the underworld.  So take your rabbit's foot, broken mirror, black cat, spilled salt and shove them up your tuckus.

     As for this quote:

"The Mets say Wright will be right in two weeks, but when has a Mets’ injury ever met the best-case scenario?"

     What about Beltran this year? All you beat writer clowns had him sidelined for the start of the season, despite encouraging reports from Terry Collins and Sandy Alderson.  Who lived up to that best-case scenario?

     And could someone please give me a substantial Reyes trade report?  I am not saying he won't be traded, but not one report written by any of these idiots has a credible source.

-Trip McFeely

I Had A Dream Last Night...

     I had a dream last night where I was bartending, when a customer came up to me and pointed to the martini menu and asked, "how's the 'Andy Martin-o'?"  I quickly replied, "It tries to be dry, but it's really just awful."


...Just thought I'd share...

-Trip McFeely

Just A Thought

To my dearest beat writers,

     It's been nothing short of a disappointing start to our 2011 Mets' baseball season.  The team can't hit in RBI situations.  They kick the ball around on potential game-changing plays.  The pitchers can't close the door when handed a lead.  Like you, we get it.
     However, unlike you, we have serious emotion invested into this ball club.  We take the effects of this team's deficiencies with unwavering vehemence.  It breaks our heart's in a way parallel to that of being betrayed by family member or close friend...
     Which is why the last thing we need to read/hear is you bombarding Jose Reyes with a million questions about him being traded.  That's how rumors get started.  I can't go an hour without hearing fact-less hearsay that originated from your columns regurgitated in my direction from my peers and colleagues.  "Reyes is going to San Fran, bro."  Is he?  Did Sandy say that?  Is the deal done?  The Dodgers are up next on the schedule guys, anyway we could get that rumor started?  Gotta' sell them papers!  Leave the poor guy alone, and let us fans maintain our sanity... At least until a verifiable and concrete trade proposal is leaked from the front office.

Warm regards,
Trip McFeely

P.S. You're still all a bunch of douches.

SWITCHED AT BIRTH?

Jarvis here...

One of these guys grew up to be a professional baseball player. The other grew up (relatively speaking) to be a hobbit. I'll leave it up to you, the reader, to connect the dots.

-Jarvis O'Dell

THE GREAT REMONSTRANCE: TTD Challenge #1

Jarvis here...

Not gonna lie, I've had my nose in a thesaurus for a good 10 minutes coming up with a name for this one. Definitely nailed it.

So here's a new feature I want to introduce: THE GREAT REMONSTRANCE will be a weekly/monthly/whenever-I-get-around-to-it contest for our loyal readers. Part challenge/part brain-teaser/part scavenger hunt. Understand? Neither do I. So here we go:

TTD Challenge #1: Somebody bring me a piece of Andy Martino's beard. 

This clown's utter lack of professionalism is just mind-boggling. My mind really shouldn't be so boggled, right? He's been doing this since he handled his first pen(fifteen). He's got a press pass so he thinks he's more powerful than Jeebus. And the fact that Rubin, Puma & Klapisch, while clowns themselves, at least man up to their occasional bullshit, just makes Martino that much more of a joke. YOU'RE A SPORTSWRITER! WRITE ABOUT SPORTS! I spent 3+ hours watching the Mets/Astros last night, too. Don't tell me nothing happened. Blah blah blah? You fucking hack.


So what now...you hate your job? Miss the Phillies? Or are you just that much of a twerp that you know that your job is a joke & you're going to continue to treat it as such. Tell me this, Martino: what would you rather be doing? Do you like animals? Veterinarian. Do you like sweets? Hand out candy at a gay strip club. Find something you like because it really seems like you're wasting everyone's time.

Shit...this contest sort of turned into a rant there, didn't it? Well, here's the contest: SOMEBODY BRING ME A PIECE OF ANDY MARTINO'S BEARD. I don't care how you get it, I don't want to know or be involved. Snip a piece off while he naps during games (he's got to, right?). Tell him you're making a voodoo doll. Whatever works. Just SOMEBODY BRING ME A PIECE OF ANDY MARTINO'S BEARD.

Winner gets an autographed The Toy Dept poster signed by both myself & Trip. Shit, we gotta make some posters.

NOTE: If you can't successfully procure a piece of Martino's beard for us, we will also accept a piece of Bob Raissman's moustache or Ken Rosenthal's bowtie. 


-JARVIS O'DELL

Morning Sickness 4/20/11

A journalist actually wrote this today:
   

"Blah blah blah blah rain blah blah blah Niese blah blah Astros blah blah Mets got spanked. Blah blah, 6-1. We really don't know what else to tell you about this one. But we will try:

It was cold and wet at Citi Field, and the Mets flatlined for one minute shy of three hours against one of the worst teams in baseball. Actually, now the Mets (5-12) are worse than Houston - and the rest of the National League - as they slipped below the Astros (6-11). Could there be a less stimulating April ballgame than the one between these sorry opponents? The only appropriate word is blah."

 -Andy Martino

Daily News

     If this isn't the laziest piece of shit-writing I have ever seen...  We get it Andy, the Mets are playing bad baseball, if you're bored or just too lazy to cover it, seek new employment.  
PLEASE seek new employment. 

-Trip McFeely

Morning Sickness 4/11/11

     Today, in the tabloid known as the New York Post, Kevin Kernan writes about the inefficiencies of the Mets' bullpen thus far.  Where the column expresses frustrations to which most Met fans can relate, the lead is written in such dramatic hyperbole, it destroys the integrity of the rest of the article:

"Ollie Perez couldn't have done worse."

I bet he could have... and probably would have, shit-breath.  The Mets bullpen has not by any means been stellar, but suggesting that it would have been better to keep that poison on the roster (after questioning why Sandy Alderson kept him around in the spring for so long) is flat out stupid!

-Trip McFeely

Dave D'Alessandro: Professional Clown

     The New York Metropolitans have played 7 games this year to a record of 3 - 4.  And with 155 games left to play in what is a very long baseball season,  the Star-Ledger's Dave D'Alessandro is already putting manager Terry Collins on the hot seat.

     We here at the Toy Department have been pretty clear about our feelings towards this type of irresponsible journalism, still it never ceases to amaze us how these pieces of trash continue to be printed.

     I'll be the first to admit to having some minor frustration.  I mean seriously, who likes losing?  But to imply that the first week of baseball will decide this team's fate, or number the days the manager has left is utterly ridiculous.  
     
     D'Alessandro writes in this delightful paragraph, "Never mind that he’s a mere stopgap. It hardly matters that everyone knows Sandy Alderson is basically using Collins to (cliché alert) change the culture for a few years before he can put the team in a position to moneyball its way back into your heart."
     Does "everyone" know? Really? and Who exactly is "everyone"?  That's such playground talk.  'Everyone knows you eat your boogers.'  Get the hell out of here.  I'll tell you what I know, if the Mets play good baseball, and continue to show they can battle, as they have a few times in this young season, Collins will be fine.

     D'Alessandro suggests that Collins' job won't be easy, due to all the negativity surrounding the team.  Negativity forced down our throats in columns like this, by writers like this.  Can we just please watch some baseball and try to enjoy it?

     The column continues on with quotes from Davey Johnson about his opinion on the organization's tribulations, and as much as I love Davey, and I mean no disrespect when I say this, but who cares?  I mean the 80's were a different time, Davey is with a different team, I doubt very much he has any relationship with Sandy Alderson that would give him a clue about what's going on behind closed doors.


Then there's our checklist.  Brought to us by David D'Alessandro (I can't stand typing this clown's name).  Clearly filled with the same point of view and opinions of the Mets fans, why not let him speak for us?...

"...Mets fans are a sensible, albeit pessimistic, bunch."
That's fair, and shouldn't we be?
"...Nobody seriously expects Johan Santana to ever pitch again."
Uh, who said that? Ever again?  I mean I am skeptical by his All-Star Break Goal, but this is a new regime hasn't given me a reason not to trust them yet.  You need to stop reading Steve Popper's bullshit columns.
"...Nobody expects Jose Reyes and Francisco Rodriguez to finish the season here. "
No, K-Rod is one thing (we want him gone), but you and your snobby columnist friends don't expect Jose to be here, I mean when did Sandy put Jose on the block? Did I miss that? I'll admit that I'm scared that it 'could' happen, but WE'RE SEVEN GAMES INTO THE SEASON!!!
"...Nobody expects this team to drift too far from the 70- to 79-win vicinity they occupied the last two years."
Uh, speak for yourself asswipe, I do.  I believe this is a .500 team.  I think they're better than the Fish and the Nats.  And I know I am not alone with those thoughts.
"...Nobody expects them to do anything but uphold Collins’ mantra: 'This is a sport where failure is around the corner every day, almost."'
Anything else you want to take out of context?  I booed K-Rod yesterday, does that make me racist?  Oh wait, wrong writer.

      D'Alessandro has a lot of nerve.  Merely a week into the season, he suggests that Terry Collins is already on the hot seat.  He compares his tiny body of work to Jerry Manuel's Met tenure.  And he attempts to create a rumor that has no business being attached to this team this early in the season.


-Trip McFeely


Jarvis here...

I had to add my 2 cents here because this clown is way too much for a Saturday morning. I just woke up, asshole, and THIS is how I start my day? But really, Dave...if you're going to take everything out of context, I'm just going to go ahead and do the same.

Quoth David D'Alessandro:

"We haven't a clue."

Truer words have never been written. Except in this blog post. By us here at The Toy Dept.

-Jarvis O'Dell

Pay Attention Dipshit!

Jose Reyes Interview Ruined By a Douche

     So here's Kevin Burkhardt with Jose Reyes on SNY's Pre Game show, and look who has to get his big, shiny forehead in the shot.  Hey Lennon, you know there's a live interview going on, dipshit?

-Trip McFeely

 

It's Amateur Hour. Ladies Drink Free.

Jarvis here...

Well, Trip went ahead and put us on the map yesterday, how about that? I'll have to remember that when his annual review comes around. Wait, am I the boss, or is he? Doesn't matter...

So I just wanted to remind everyone out there in the blogosphere that yes, The Toy Department is indeed Amateur Hour. We don't get paid for this. In fact, Trip & I both have day jobs. Trip drives the Staten Island Ferry & I teach guitar to asshole middle-schoolers for shit money & discounts on distortion pedals. Sure, I meet the available single mother every once and a while, but it ain't a glamorous life. We like baseball. We respect most professional athletes. And, obviously, we've got a big fucking problem with sports reporters.  I believe I covered most of this in the Toy Department Manifesto.

Beat writers are going to continue to talk shit & we're going to continue to shit on them. Andy Martino blocked us on Twitter. He's a big wimp. David Lennon has a PO Box in Middle Earth. And Marty Noble loves chicken fingers. It isn't rocket science, it's sports reporting. I've met Luis Castillo. He's a good dude. He stinks, but he's a good dude.

And we're going to keep using profanity. Cock weasel.

-Jarvis O'Dell

Also, a few people queried about submissions. Go ahead and send them to toydepartment1@yahoo.com & we'll take a look and see if you're worthy enough for the high standards of our amateurish blog.

 

Andy Martino is a Race-Baiting Coward

     The Toy Department launched 12 days ago as a result of Jarvis and myself being absolutely fed up with the lack of professionalism, ethics, and class coming from the local beat writers.  We were reading columns, tweets, and listening to talk radio that was frustrating us more and more everyday.  The negativity hemorrhaging from the opinions of these third-rate hacks was sickening to local sports fans, like ourselves.  And then this straw broke the camel's back.

     This isn't by any means a new story, but I thought with the home opener approaching, it may be a relevant time to revisit the disreputable trash written by Andy Martino, as well as his other shortcomings.  

      In this column entitled "Castillo's Woes Run Skin Deep," Andy Martino does about as good a job writing an editorial filled with legitimate substance, as he does growing a beard.  He starts off this abomination by citing Luis Castillo's 2009 statistics, or at least part of them.  He mentions Castillo's .302 batting average, but fails to include his 40 RBI and his whopping 16 extra base hits.  And what about his 2010 stats?  Why would Martino mention them?  They were God-awful, and clearly justified a barrage of boos from the Citi Field faithful.

     But to what did Martino attribute the boos?...  His .235 batting average in 2010?  No...  How about his 17 RBI?  Nope...  OK, I got it.  what about the fact that this player was making over $6 mil and not even coming close to being worth his awful contract?  Wrong again...

     Andy Martino suggested that Luis Castillo was treated poorly by the fans, not due to the fact that he was significantly underachieving, but because Mets fans are racist.

     That's right, the fans that embraced Pedro Martinez (Dominican, like Castillo) as the Metropolitan's savior... the crowd that loudly chants "Jose Jose-Jose-Jose..." in high praise of Jose Reyes (also Dominican), are a bunch of racists, according to Martino.

     Martino referred to Castillo as "one of the toughest and most passionate Mets" and doesn't seem to understand how he could be so unpopular.

     Toughest?  Remember when he got hurt falling down the dugout steps, idiot?  And I'll tell you why he's unpopular, other than consistently grounding into timely clutch double plays, and having as much defensive range as Marty Noble, Castillo will never be forgiven (or forgotten) for the most embarrassing play in Subway Series history!  You know exactly what it is, I need not mention it ever again.  That's why we booed him, you dope, no other reasons needed!  As Met fans, when it comes to our players, the only colors we see are blue and orange.

     Martino claimed in the Castillo situation, it's hard to ignore the race factor...  Well, I claim it never would have been a factor, if Martino never dreamed it up and put it in writing!

     This beat writer technique of making a story up with no evidence to support it needs to stop, and Martino is one of the biggest culprits.

     He has recently blocked The Toy Department on Twitter.  When asked why, he maturely responded with, "I block anything I want to, if the mood strikes. My twitter, my whims."  And then he cried to his mommy for a fresh tissue and his binky.  I guess he can't handle solid criticism.  Which is surprising to me considering how easily he can dish it out.

     You know the real reason Andy Martino took a shot at Met fans?  Because he's a Philidelphia Phillies fan!  That's right, that chess club geek has an agenda and is clearly not an objective journalist.  He's so tired of his trashy brethren (appropriately) being classified as the worst fans in sports, his only line of defense is to try and bash us.  Jerkoff!  


-Trip McFeely

Morning Sickness 4/4/11

Every morning, we have the pleasure of Adam Rubin posting his "Mets morning briefing."  Which is essentially a collection of every other beat writers thoughts and stories that Rubes cleverly copies and pastes under his own by-line.  Here is the lead he included in today's "morning briefing":

     "It's an off-day between road series in Miami and Philadelphia. And I'm finally traveling home this morning to New York after reporting early to spring training on Super Bowl Sunday."

-Adam Rubin
ESPN New York


     "Who gives a shit?"


-Trip McFeely
The Toy Department

Is he seriously fishing for sympathy?  Written in "his" work?  Nobody feels sorry for you pal!

Beltrán To Start The Season on DL Batting Cleanup

It's here Met fans, Opening Day Night.  But let's flash back for a second.  I think I speak for everyone when I say "our beat writers are always right." Right? Who remembers a little over a week ago when our Twitter feed looked something like this:

...Boy, this guy can read people.  I mean he should be a psychic... or a journalist.

...OK, so I'll say it. "It IS a leap."  A huge leap, in fact.  Way to dig for those facts, Ruby.

...Guess what, shit-smear, I don't want you to give your opinion EVER AGAIN!  That's all you are: skeptical.  And that's your goal as a Meat beater... uh... I mean, a Mets beat writer, to make Met fans skeptical and instill your pessimistic point of view upon all of us.  If you really need your negative fill, take your big, shiny forehead and go cover the Bonds' steroids/Balco/testicles trial.


As a bit of poetic justice, according to every beat writer on Twitter, here's tonight's starting lineup (Take particular note to who's batting cleanup and playing right field):

6 Reyes
7 Harris
5 Wright
9 Beltrán
8 Pagan
3 Davis
4 Emaus
2 Thole
1 Pelfrey

Let's Go Mets!

Still waiting for someone to admit they were wrong,
-Trip McFeely

Apparently David Lennon Thinks He Can Manage The Mets

If the Terry Collins experiment doesn't work out, Met fans, we may have had the remedy right under our noses the entire time... David Lennon. Newsday's "acclaimed" Mets beat writer is already agreeing with comparisons of the Mets new skipper to, you guessed it, Jerry Manuel.  Mind you, Collins hasn't even managed ONE GAME for the Metropolitans.

I mean seriously, David, give the guy a break! Terry didn't pick on you in high school... He wasn't one of the bullies that gave you a swirly in the locker room... He wasn't the gym teacher that got in your face and made fun of you because you couldn't manage to do one push-up.

Maybe there is a method behind this batting order. Maybe he wants the guys that take a lot of pitches (Thole and Emaus) consistently batting at the bottom of the order. Maybe he doesn't want to overwhelm Lucas Duda just yet. Maybe he wants Angel Pagan to protect Carlos Beltran. Maybe he doesn't want to have a completely different lineup out there everyday, i.e. Jerry Manuel. Maybe he wants his players to become comfortable with their spots in the batting order for when Jason Bay gets off the DL. Maybe you should just let the guy manage a few games before you start to criticize.

Maybe if you weren't such a arrogant prick, I'd stop making you my bitch!

- Trip McFeely

OPENING DAY

Jarvis here...

Well, it's that time of year again. Opening Day. Baseball is back. There's a renewed reason to believe. The sky is blue...the sun is shining...the birds are singing (and the bees are trying to have sex with them, as is my understanding)...

Another glorious marathon of our national pastime. Going to the ballpark. A beer, a dog, the possibility of a foul ball. Clean uniforms. Clean scorecards. Everybody is tied for 1st. Everybody leads the league in every statistical category. I mean...today just might be the greatest day ev--

Wait...what? The Mets aren't even playing today? Bay might be on the DL? What the fuck is this all about? And it's raining now, too? DAY RUINED. SEASON RUINED. S-H-I-T.

When does football start? Wait...what about the upcoming football season?!

-Jarvis O'Dell

Steve Popper: Out of the loop, or just plain lazy?

Oh boy Mr. Popper, what is your deal?  You're getting close to passing David Lennon as my bitch... well... not quite.  But still, it's been a rough 3 days for you hasn't it?

Today you wrote:
"...there is a slight debate within the Mets hierarchy over whether to try to keep Nick Evans from facing a trip through the waiver wire by giving him the last spot on the roster."

I'm sure there WAS debate at some point, but maybe, just maybe you should have read this first...  That's right your boy Adam Rubin says you're wrong.  Nick Evans is already on waivers.  Maybe, and this is just a hunch, you should double-check your facts before you go to print?  Or did they not teach you that when you were studying journalism at Barnes & Noble?  I thought Journalism For Dummies might include that chapter.

Your other asshole move of the morning was in this column, where you wrote, "The risk is one the Mets are willing to take because Beltran clearly makes them a better team. Even switching to right field from his customary spot in center, a concession to the knee problems that have lingered since 2008, he still is projected as the Mets’ cleanup hitter — a switch-hitting, powerful presence who when healthy might be the best bat on the team."

Wow.  I actually agree with what you've said here.  So what's my problem?  Well, my problem is, in your column on Sunday you called Beltrán "a shadow of the player he once was" (which I also called you out for... see, I'm consistent).  Wait, so now he's "a switch-hitting, powerful presence," and he "might be the best bat on the team," who "clearly makes them a better team"?  You fuckin' hypocrite!  Are you serious?  Is this legal?  Less than 3 days later, and your opinion is all of a sudden the exact opposite?  Between this bullshit, and your phony Johan Santana story from a couple weeks ago, I honestly can't take you seriously, and I don't know who can.

I'll leave you with this: Another one of your brilliant quotes from this morning's column was, "It’s hard to blame Beltran for feeling he is talked out on the subject, having chronicled his every step for the last two years."

Tell me, whose fault do you think that is?

-Trip McFeely 

Morning Sickness 3/29/11

Where to begin...

Usually The Mets beat writers suffer from broken-record-syndrome on Twitter by posting the same goddamn (non)story 50 times in a row to the point where I want to slit my wrists.  However, over the last 24 hours, they can't even get on the same page:

Last night, I read this story by the New York Time's David Waldstein, where he reports that "The Mets have asked the right-handed reliever Jason Isringhausen to remain in extended spring training for a week or two to increase his arm strength and reassure them that his elbow is healthy."

OK... Sounds... realistic...

But then this morning I read my boy Steve Popper's tiny little two-paragraph story where he suggests that both Izzy AND Blaine Boyer Met with the Mets yesterday, but neither was asked to accept an assignment to participate in extended spring training.

And then there's this:

So to recap, Waldstein says the Mets asked Izzy to stay in extended spring training... Popper says Neither Boyer, nor Isringhausen were asked to accept an assignment... And Ruben says a minor league assignment was suggested to Boyer, but not necessarily to Izzy (at least Rubin has sources)...

C'mon guys get your shit together.  I know I've suggested some diversity in your stories, but this isn't quite what I meant.


-Trip McFeely

Here They Are Met Fans, Your Toy Department

How much gash do you think these studs got in college?

Saturday, PIX just so happened to get a shot of these clowns herding their way over from a minor league game featuring Carlos Beltrán, to Digital Domain park.  Let's be clear, none of our wrath is directed towards Kevin Burkhardt.  We like him.  He's not a negative dick.  As for the rest of them, this picture speaks a thousand words.  How can we expect to get any fresh or compelling point a views, when these man-boys always travel together like a school of minnows?  That's why we get 50 identical tweets and 12 redundant columns a day.  Beltrán's knees/opening day status... Emaus playing second?... Izzy/Boyer?... Can Evans clear waivers?...  How about something new and original?  Instead we have to open our paper every morning and read the same garbage they've been spewing at us all spring.  Enough is enough, we want some real reporting.


Take note at how the flash on my cell camera had no choice but to bounce off of David Lennon's big, shiny forehead.  Also notice Andy Martino behind him playing a friendly little game of grab-ass while the two of them share a giggle.


-Trip McFeely

A LARGE METAL POT FOR COOKING

Jarvis here...

Yesterday, professional "winning consultant" Mike Tully had THIS printed in a real newspaper. Or magazine insert in a real newspaper. Or something like that. I don't know, it was Saturday, it was my day off, dick.

Basically, he compared successful baseball players to a college women's soccer team. He highlights the "competitive cauldron." (editor's note: the fuck?) The 'dron, as I'll now nickname it, is "players compete in every aspect of the sport, including the weight room, sprints and drills. Coaches then look for the players with a knack for being on the winning side." Slice of deep-fried brilliance. Ladies and gentlemen, it is no coincidence that today I am picking my own team of winners: my fucking fantasy baseball team. With Mr. Tully as my spirit guide, let's see if this strategy pays dividends like his cold hard facts guarantee.

My team name: The Jean Claude Van 'Dron'ers. I have the 12th pick of the 1st round. My first choice is a no-brainer:

ERIC HINSKE (1B/OF, ATL) - 2002 AL Rookie of the Year winner, Hinske played for THREE straight world series contenders between 2007-2009, winning TWO rings. Then last year he led the Braves to a pivotal Game 4 in the NLCS before they (and I use the term "they" loosely, because it implies Mr. Hinske was a loser as well) were eliminated by the Gigantes. Guy also has his back completely covered in tattoos. Franchise fantasy player, without a doubt.

Since I had the 12th pick in the 1st round, I've got the 1st pick in the 2nd round. Time to stack this team up good. My 2nd pick:

CHUCK LORRE (writer/director/producer/composer, CBS) - I'm sorry, but when you're the creative brain behind Grace Under Fire, Cybill, Dharma & Greg, Two and a Half Men, AND The Big Bang Theory you've earned your spot at the top. When a Jewish divorcee father of two can earn 4 BMI Television Music Awards, a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, AND an honorary degree from SUNY Potsdam...well, I think I'm a little pissed at myself that I didn't scoop him up in the 1st round. Jesus, imagine if someone else grabbed him. Straight fucked.

Twiddle my thumbs for a tick & now my 3rd round pick:

KATE GOSSELIN (fame whore/whore, TLC) - A fame magnate. Multiple hit TLC reality programs, Dancing with some Stars, multiple guest-hosting stints on The View. Bitch tried to have one kid & ended up have 6 in one birthing. Then two more just for kicks, because obviously she loves children. She's so proud of them that she parades them across all of basic cable, through a nasty tabloid-headlining divorce, plastic surgery appointments, and rumors of a full spread spread in Playboy. If I could, I'd pick those little Gosselins with my next 8 picks. But I'd be too top heavy, and fantasy baseball isn't about picking your favorites, its about winning.

4th pick:

YOGI BERRA (C, NYY) - Soup connoisseur, Aflac spokesman, wordsmith, 10-time world series winner, hall of famer. Guy's got 10 fingers, so he wins 10 rings. He would have won 20 rings, but thinks toe rings are a mite garish. And I agree. I came to the fork in the road, and I took it.

5th pick:

TIMOTHY V. MURPHY (actor, TV) - Opulence, he has it. Owns a mini CGI giraffe. AND HE'S NOT EVEN FUCKING RUSSIAN!!!!

6th pick:

BILL BELICHICK (head coach, New England Patriots) - Guy's got the highest winning percentage out of anyone ever according to a ridiculously vague Google search. Boom! Fuck you!

7th pick:

ANGEL PAGAN (OF, NYM) - Guy's awesome. Spearfishes in the offseason.

Okay, so I really had to make stool, so auto-pick finished the job for me. I think its safe to say auto-pick done me solid:

LUIS AYALA
CARLOS SLIM HELU
MARIA SHARAPOVA
DAVID LENNON
ALBERT PUJOLS (can't believe he was still available)
WINNIE THE POOH (guy's got WIN right there in his fucking name)
JAMES GOLDSTONE (director of 1969 film WINNING)
MIKE TULLY'S FROZEN SPERM DONATION
CARLOS BELTRAN (oh...shit...i'm fucked)
ANDY MARTINO (phew, back on track)
BARTOLO COLON (pitching depth)
ELIJAH DUKES
A PACKAGE OF TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES TRADING CARDS FROM 1992

SOLID.

Wait, what was this post about again? Oh yeah, fuck Mike Tully and his ridiculous horseshit. But seriously, look him up. He also wrote a post called "Should College Athletic Scholarships End?" Hopefully they don't, because god forbid the UNC Women's Soccer team has their 'dron depleted.

-Jarvis O'Dell

Morning Sickness 3/27/11

I dove into two columns this morning that got a bit of a rise out of me...

The first one was from my buddy David Lennon from Newsday.  Now I know what you're thinking:  Newsday still exists? Why yes it does.  And it houses one of my favorite punching bags, Mr. David Lennon.  Today, Lennon's big, shiny forehead wrote this:  If Beltran's rusty, back-date him on DL

My interpretation:  Lennon took a page out of my last lesson,  Journalism 102 and is covering his own ass by making a strong case for the Mets to start Carlos Beltrán on the DL.  Why is he doing this you ask?  Because for the last two weeks, Lennon has been firmly vowing that Beltrán will not start the season with the big club.  He's written that sentiment, he's tweeted it (which will be part of a whole new blog entry on Opening Day), he even went on TV (with the sun glaring off of his big, shiny forehead) and declared "(Beltrán's) going to be on the DL to start the season."  So with opening day only 5 days away, it's looking more and more like Beltrán will be trotting out to right field with the big club, and more and more like Lennon and most of his fellow beat writers will be wrong with their mighty predictions.  So Lennon has to write this column and try to make comparisions to the decision of activating Beltrán to something the old regime might do.  Blah blah blah.  We all want to see Carlos out there, he's a big boy, shut up Lennon, you're wrong (as usual).


The next column that got my blood boiling was from The Bergen Record's Steve Popper.  Today, he wrote this piece of crap: Beltran plays, but he's far from a big hit

This article contains a pair of quotes that enraged me and ruined my pleasant Sunday morning...


Quote 1: "Beltran took an optimistic view of his performance, happy that he felt no pain in his knees. And that might be as good as it gets for him these days, hoping to get through as a shadow of the player he once was, but healthy enough to get in the lineup."

My response:  Seriously Popper?  Keep your opinion out of it!  "A shadow of the player he once was"?  I mean what in your athletic past gives you the right to assess any real athlete's ability?  Did you play in a pickup wiffle ball game last week and not fall down running to first base and now you're the ultimate judge of athletic prowess?  You're a dick!

Quote 2: "In right field he looked bored at times, which is part of the adjustment, too."

My response:  Kinda like I look when I read you're God-awful columns, Pooper!  I can't believe your editor let you print this line you douche!  "...he looked bored," or focused, or ready, or like he was playing the outfield waiting for some action you jerkoff!

I hate these idiots!

-Trip McFeely

Morning Sickness 3/25/11

Hey Popper, SHUT... UP!

We're sick of all the negativity coming from you and your wimpy cronies.  Some of us are excited for opening day.  So stop trying to bring us down you little bitch!

-Trip McFeely

Journalism 102: When You're Wrong, You're Never Wrong

     As you may have read yesterday (and I'm sure you did), The Toy Department went after The Post's Mike Puma for his philosophy of creating conflict when there's nothing else to write about.  In his column, Puma suggested that Brad Emaus was not the front-runner for the Mets opening day 2nd base job, and that there is still a controversy over the position battle.  He provided no sources and based his story strictly on what he implied to be hearsay (clearly obtained from his excellent journalistic sleuthing).

Then Brad Emaus went 4 for 4 in a spring training game against the Cardinals...

     Today, what we all knew already, is a little more clear.  Brad Emaus is (still) the front-runner to be the opening day 2nd baseman, as he secured the spot with his performance yesterday.  And even Puma finally agrees. However, instead of admitting that he was dead-wrong, Puma credits this discovery to Emaus' performance against the Cards.  Which we all agree, did help.  But it's a cop-out for Puma.  He played both sides and is trying to come out looking clean.  According to Puma a week ago, Luis Hernandez was the guy... Yesterday, Emaus still might not be the the guy...  Today, Emaus probably is the guy (but he still gives Chin-Lung Hu and Daniel Murphy and outside shot... ya know... just to cover all his bases)... What a bunch of uninformative journalistic crap!  You were wrong!  Brad Emaus would have been the Mets opening day second baseman even if he were to play mediocre baseball over the next week.  We've known this and Puma has known this... but that story wouldn't sell papers I guess.

-Trip McFeely

Morning Sickness 3/24/11

  Lennon is at it again.  This tweet from that pompous ass would be totally fine if he would have just stopped after "Just hustled out of the box on single from left side."  However, that smug little prick has to give it his douchy little two cents by adding "Still standing."  We get it.  Beltrán has bad knees.  He's not, however, Joe Swanson.  Enough with the snarky asides, dipshit.

-Trip McFeely

Journalism 101: When There's No Conflict, Make One Up.

Last week,  New York Post columnist Mike Puma reported the front-runner in the Mets' 2nd base competition was not Brad Emaus, but Luis Hernandez.  Needless to say, he was wrong.  After everyone's favorite ginger Justin Turner was sent to AAA yesterday, it is now clear to everyone that Emaus is the favorite to win the gig.  Except that wouldn't be news.  Today, Puma is up to his same ole malarkey.

Citing no sources, and give zero evidence, Puma has managed to create conflict out of an absolute non-story.  Maybe he's too stubborn to admit that he was wrong last week, or maybe he's just trying to sell papers.  Either way, the story doesn't (or at least shouldn't) have an ounce of relevance.

In the spirit of Mike Puma, I will give this style of journalism a shot...

With only 8 spring training games left before opening day, my sources (my imagination) tell me that a new candidate has emerged in the race for 2nd base.  Willie Harris is in line to be the Metropolitan's opening day 2nd basemen.  This opens up an entirely new competion for the fifth bench spot, which is believed to be a battle between Nick Evans, Lucas Duda, and Jason Isringhausen.

Boom! Run with that Met fans!

-Trip McFeely

DICKFACE OF THE YEAR AWARD

Jarvis here...

Wow, our first day as a blog and already someone has won the Dickface of the Year Award. TJ Simers: Dickface of the Year. Congrats, dickface.

Read this.

I usually reserve Marty Noble as my punching bag. So plump & full of chicken fingers. But it's almost as if a fat sports writer Jesus looked down upon me and plopped this sloppy west coast butterball right onto my dinner plate. I mean, seriously, TJ Simers, who the FUCK do you think you are? Well, here's what the internet thinks you are:

A bully.

A small dick wimp.

A D-bag.

A fat obnoxious piece of shit.

I agree on all accounts. And now my mission is clear. Sure...Noble, Heyman, Lennon, Rubin, Martino, McCullough...they're all dipshit assholes. But TJ (fat sports writer named TJ? I don't even need to post a picture of this guy. Because come on, you already know what he looks like), TJ is my new Noble. The West Coast Noble. I'm coming for you TJ. There will be no plate of chicken fingers to comfort you once I find you. Fuck you. Fuck your ugly ass homely wife. And fuck your whore poor unfortunate daughters. You don't wield power, you wield fat greasy fingers. And you're gonna burn, piggy.

-Jarvis O'Dell

Additional Morning Sickness

How unprofessional of me.  I forgot to post this gem.  This just in, Carlos Beltrán went into his manager's office to talk to his bosses.  Holy shit cakes, this... is... NEWS! 

Speculation 1:
     Beltrán is definitely out for the year!

Speculation 2:
     Beltrán is quitting baseball!

Speculation 3:
     Maybe they're just having a normal baseball conversation???  Nahhhhhh! Let's go with #2  PRINT!

-Trip McFeely

Morning Sickness

Update 3/24/11 1:06 PM:

Goddammit McCullough, didn't you get the memo you drama queen?

____________________________________________________________

Update 12:15 PM:

He's alive... ALIVE!!!

____________________________________________________________

     In case you were concerned Met fans,  Jason Isringhausen did not, in fact, die after this morning's bullpen session.  Contrary to what @DBagLennon would like us all to believe, his life was not in jeopardy whilst tossing the ball a several times 60 feet, 6 inches (that's the distance from the rubber to home plate, Davey).  Lennon continues to set the bar in a sport already full of obnoxious hyperbole.  But we should be thanking him.  Thank you Dave, for easing all of our worry.  I went to bed last night dreading that I may awake to such disheartening news that Izzy would be deceased.  I mean a bullpen session?!? Just 24 hours after long tossing!!!  Are they crazy???  But my nerves were settled when I logged on to Twitter this morning and read this masterpiece.  Lennon, you're a joke!

-Trip McFeely

The Toy Department Manifesto

The invention of the movable type printing press by Johannes Gutenberg in the 15th century. Alexander Cartwright formalizing the Knickerbocker Rules in 1845. Our own fathers drunken expletive-laced tirades during our little league games in 1987. Marty Noble eating all the chicken fingers from the press box buffet before a Mets/Marlins game in 2008. It's all lead to this moment.

Whenever a pitching coach goes off the record...we'll be there. Whenever the Port St Lucie IHOP serves undercooked sausage patties...we'll be there. Whenever Carlos Beltran does anything...anywhere...we'll be there.

We are smug shitbags. We are uncoordinated & socially-inept. We report everything as fact.

We are better than you.

We are...The Toy Department.